A Gift Exchange

I recently had the opportunity to interview a Holocaust survivor, and anticipated that I would learn something about aging from her.

Tall and thin, with salt and pepper-colored short hair and a ready smile, at 82 Vivienne looks younger than her age. Although she uses a cane to steady her walking, she moves without hesitation and with an erect posture. She is a resident of my apartment complex who I knew casually. When I heard that she was a Holocaust survivorwho made presentations at the Jewish Heritage Museum about her experiences, I wanted to talk with her. My parents left Europe in the early 20th century to escape poverty and anti-Semitism, and I wished I had asked them more about their lives in Europe. Here was a chance to learn more.

I had some doubt as to whether my blog, humorand aging.com, would be a suitable location for an interview with a Holocaust survivor, but I was still eager to talk with her. To be truthful, it’s almost a year since I retired from my work as a research scientist, and while I have found some things I enjoy (like writing my blog), I am still in search for other new sources of meaning and satisfaction. Meeting with Vivienne seemed like a good step.

When I contacted her she invited me to her next presentation at the museum. Her audience was about 70 high school students, and Vivienne described her early years in France (1937-46), most spent in southern France in Le Puy, then occupied by Nazi Germany. I learned that she and her parents moved several times to avoid being identified by the Nazis as Jews, and they were baptized as Catholics. Vivienne didn’t learn she was Jewish until they came to the US. Most of her talk was about her living arrangements, the kinds of games she played, and the people who helped her family escape detection.

Vivienne seemed to enjoy giving her presentation and answering questions, and I wanted to know more about what her life was like now, as an older person. I believed and hoped that she had some senior wisdom that would be helpful to me. She readily agreed to meet and I anticipated It as though I would be getting a gift.

I learned that she takes great pleasure in making presentations at the Museum, because they draw on her past, a time she remembers in detail. She includes a message she feels is important for young people: to be on guard, this can happen again. She encourages the students to speak up should they encounter Holocaust deniers or hear anti-Semitic remarks. ” I’m doing something that is enormously important… and it’s fulfilling for me to tell my story.”

I hesitated to ask about her childhood, not wanting to bring up painful memories, and wondered aloud if it was difficult for her to talk about that period of her life, during the Holocaust. I was surprised when Vivienne said she had a happy childhood. Sheltered by her parents, not knowing she was Jewish, her memories were primarily happy- of playing in her house and going for walks with her mother. As an only child who wasn’t permitted to have friends (to avoid the possibility of being identified as Jewish migrants), she enjoyed her imaginary ones. Her parents told her that her job was to be a good girl, and not ask too many questions. She accepted that role and totally trusted them. “I led a relatively happy childhood… my parents protected me.”

When I asked about her happiest times during adulthood there was an extended pause and she noted that she had a difficult marriage and was divorced. “I had a hard time being happy… I like being single and making my own decisions.” She had three sons, enjoyed them when they were very young, and although there have been some challenges, she now has rewarding relationships with them.

It was clear that Vivienne had come through many difficult experiences, and I wanted to know her advice for older people (including me). She said that doing meaningful volunteer work, that draws on one’s past, was something that could be especially rewarding. This seemed an important message for me – I don’t have to look for totally new interests or activities – drawing on my past could provide sources for meaningful activities in retirement. I began thinking of volunteer work related to my career as a research scientist and to improving my language skills in Spanish and Yiddish.

As we ended our conversation I asked if there was anything she wanted to add. A wonderful look of animation and contentment came into her eyes as she spoke about the joy of having pets. Vivienne has three cats and had a difficult-to-control smile as she spoke about one of her cats. He comes to her and pushes his face against her cheek. I could almost see and feel her pleasure as she described it. She said that sometimes he presses against her face while she is asleep, and she wakens to go check his bowl thinking he may need food, but he already has food. “He wants me“ she smiled, “having pets gives you a sense of warmth, responsibility and love… pets will tell you how they love you, if you know how to listen… It’s an amazing thing.” She asked if I had pets and I told her that I had several dogs, and the last one died before I moved back to New York City over ten years ago. I had decided not to get another pet, I no longer wanted responsibility for dog-walking. But our conversation reminded me of the great joy my husband and I had with Scooby- our last friendly, loving dog.

At the end of our interview I asked Vivienne to tell me when she felt the happiest in her lifetime. After some hesitation her eyes brightened with a surprised look and she said she is happiest now. She attributed this to doing meaningful volunteer work, having a social network in the community, her relationships with her sons, and the love she shares with her pets. “This is it… a lot of things that matter to me are in place right now… I am hoping this period lasts a while.”

I saw Vivienne a week later and she thanked me profusely for doing the interview. She said she continued to think about her life after we spoke, and feels like she should pay me for what she learned. She now realizes that she has found happiness, and it is now.

And for me, in addition to getting pleasure out of the joy she was experiencing, I realize that some of life’s greatest pleasures and sources of happiness can come later in life. I too, like Vivienne, can put together the pieces that matter to me, and some may be based on my past. I don’t think there will be a pet in my future, but I might even consider that. But best of all, like Vivienne I have the possibility for the happiest time being now.

It was a good exchange of gifts for us both.

P.S. I wrote this piece prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, that continues to spread. I wondered whether an essay about creating one’s happiness was appropriate in this time of constrictions in life, and concluded that perhaps it is even more relevant now.