I have had many roles in life— daughter, mother, wife, scientist, neighbor, friend, and others. In every case, I had some choices about how to play the role, even though there were some requirements or expectations. Now that I have moved into an aging role, I’m not sure how I want to play that part. So as a social scientist, I looked for some guidance.
The sociologist Talcott Parsons wrote about the sick role, and its having particular rights and obligations based on social norms: Rights include being exempt from normal social roles, and, since the condition (being sick) is not within one’s control, the person has less blame and can be taken care of by others. Obligations involve making efforts to get better, including seeking help and following medical advice.
At first I didn’t see how Parsons’ work about the sick role could apply to the aging role. Unlike the temporary nature of many sicknesses, there is no possibility of recovering from aging. However, as I get older, I realize that there are certain rights I can claim as part of being in the aging role.
First, I have the right to exempt myself from many of my prior social roles, and allow others to take care of them. For example, I used to hold family get-togethers (like birthdays, Passover Seders, Thanksgiving, Hannukah) in my home, taking responsibility for all preparations including most of the cooking. Now that my children are older, they have taken over most of these holiday celebrations, and I usually make or buy a contribution for the meal. I like this change: I have no stress involving meal preparation, and it gives me more time to spend with family at the event.
There are other activities that I exempt myself from by paying others to do them for me, like housecleaning and laundry. In addition, living in a well-serviced apartment building, there are porters and other staff who do things for me – from repairs of appliances to changing a ceiling lightbulb (so my husband or I don’t need to climb a ladder). It’s nice having these things taken care of by others.
Until recently, I thought that I should always be able to do all these activities. But I no longer feel that I am lazy or shirking responsibilities or that not doing them are signs of weakness. Letting others do them is my right as part of the aging role. And a bonus is that there are people eager to do these activities for me.
There are also some obligations in the aging role. But rather than requirements, I see them as voluntary and recommended activities. Since there are people who may need to help take care of me if I have medical needs, I am obliged to take of my health. This past year I had an annual check-up, had cataract surgery, got hearing aids, and was treated for Paget’s disease (to prevent bone fractures). Taking care of these health needs is helpful to me and improves my quality of life, and lessens possible burdens for people who care about me. And if I became ill or disabled, I would need to study up on the sick role too!
But wait, something’s missing. Parsons described the sick role as a form of societal deviance, and focused on norms regarding its limitations and requirements. But the aging role is not deviant, and it can provide an opportunity for many life choices, especially after retirement. In a previous essay I wrote about “Successful Aging” and the importance of engagement in life, and I am discovering what that means to me. Playing the aging role is much more than a set of rights and obligations, and I have found that I have many choices of how to play that role. And I can change them over time.
Several aspects of the aging role that I have developed include finding creative outlets, like writing essays and creating this blog. To improve my writing skills I am taking a writing workshop and reading more. I am also exploring parts of NYC that I never had time for, like visiting museums (I found that during COVID time they are much less crowded). I also walked in new areas of Central Park, where I discovered waterfalls, woods, flower gardens, turtles, castles, and extraordinary views. I have reached out to friends and family members to encourage and support them, especially my children and grandchildren. I didn’t have much time to do that when I was working, and now I am getting to know them better — and they me. I also spend more time with my husband, and our appreciation for each other and the life we have together (based on over 40 years of marriage) has grown. And I have become more active in my community, getting to know others who are also playing the aging role. We share information, laughter, and ideas, and provide support when a loved one becomes ill or dies. My community involvement also includes efforts to enhance the living circumstances in my apartment complex.
I have concluded that I will embrace the aging role. According to the dictionary the word role has many synonyms, including part and purpose. I didn’t get to choose this part- it simply arrived. But I can choose how I want to play it- how constricted or expansive. The role has rights and obligations, some of which are beneficial to me and I will follow those social norms. But most importantly, the role has given me an opportunity to make choices and create my own complex, multi-layered part with purpose. After all, not only am I playing the lead, but it has a limited run and there are no revivals.
Reflections on Aging 