Having a family dinner party years ago used to be a rather simple activity. I have a large extended family, so the first step was deciding who to invite. After that I could pretty much make whatever I wanted to serve and the main question was how much food to prepare. But as my children have grown, and their partners have been added to our dinners, things have gotten complicated and food choices have become more selective. Recently, a few of us were going to a Mets baseball game, and seven family and friends were in my home for drinks and hors d’oeuvres prior to leaving for the game together. It seemed simple. My husband and I are omnivores, as were two of the guests. But of the other three, one was a pescatarian (I bought shrimp), one a vegetarian (vegetables and crackers needed for the dips), and the last one doesn’t eat fish (cheese and prosciutto was fine). And almost everyone was trying to lose weight (double up on the dip vegetables). This need to consider the mixture of dietary choices is not new to me. My larger family group includes a vegan, a vegetarian who doesn’t eat cheese, and several who have been on a gluten-free diet.
Growing up in a kosher Jewish household, my early dining experiences were that there was never a choice of what to eat, you ate what was served. The separation of dairy and meat dishes, part of the kashruth mandate, further limited our meals- you knew not to ask for sour cream for your potato if you were eating chicken for dinner. Also, some kind of animal-based protein was always a required part of any meal- be it chicken, beef or fish. My parents were immigrants from Europe, lived through the Depression, and made it into the middle class through hard work, when there was little awareness of cholesterol or fatty foods as a health concern. Meat was the most coveted main dish, and feeling full after a meal was desirable and meant that the meal was successful.
So what’s a mother to do with mixed food groups in the family? There are several options that I have used: vegetable pasta dishes (with a non-dairy cheese to substitute for the parmigiana cheese) works for everyone- except those who want animal protein; making different dishes for different folks (the most demanding of time); or ordering food from a restaurant, for everyone or just special dishes for those who don’t eat fish or meat (a costlier option). The most costly, but one that seems to work well, is having dinner at a restaurant that has a broad assortment of dishes; Italian, Middle Eastern or Thai food tend to be best for this (Indian cuisine would work too, but it’s not my preference). The disadvantage to eating in a restaurant is that time may be limited (if it is a busy place seeking to serve as many patrons as possible). Also, you are likely to stay in your initial seat, perhaps making it difficult to talk with others at the table. I guess there’s no perfect solution.
There have been other changes too in making dinner parties. The wording used for having people in your home has changed. It used to be– I am having some people over for dinner. It seems to have become more formalized, as it is now expressed as “I am hosting some people for dinner.” I associate host or hostess with the employee at a restaurant responsible for seating people, making sure they get good service, and generally not being part of the festivities. This is not what I do. When folks come to my home, they can pretty much sit wherever they like (if it’s not taken), I try and make sure they have the drinks they prefer and food they can eat, but then I like to be part of the goings on… and enjoy myself at the party. True, I am aware of the flow of the evening, e.g., when we need to move from drinks to dinner, and I look out for what supplies may be running low, e.g., what foods need to be replenished or who needs a drink. But otherwise, I like to participate. Sometimes I ask someone else at the party to help oversee the event with me, and I call on them for assistance when needed. Perhaps we can be considered co-demihosts.
Another recent innovation, that emerged during the COVID pandemic, is virtual dinners. The main role of the host in these events is to send out the invitations. Once folks are gathered, each providing their own foods, they also have responsibility for serving themselves and cleaning up. Although there are some definite advantages to that, I think we are all eager for post-Covid in-person get-togethers. Maybe we can look at some of the methods from the past, like pot-luck dinners, which guarantee that everyone has at least one dish they like to eat… and everyone can be their own host.
One thing I have learned during COVID time is that while the apparent goal of mixed food groups is to dine together, with each person having at least something that meets their food choices, just being together is the underlying goal. So I will continue to ask guests about their food preferences and limitations, and try to accommodate them, but I will keep in mind that just bringing them together is the main item on the menu. Bon Appetit!
Reflections on Aging 