Who IS That?

As I passed the full-length mirror on the street, and saw a graying, stocky woman, I knew it was me- but didn’t fully believe that. Who IS that ? I wanted to ask.  How could that be me? And I remembered how I thought of older people when I was young. And some of the stereotypes that older people evoke.

My first-grade teacher, although tall, was a bit overweight, and wore sleeveless blouses in the warm weather. When she wrote energetically on the blackboard we could all see her batwings- the hanging flesh under her upper arms- swinging back and forth.  Some of us laughed, and thought of her as a special species… certainly not anyone we would ever look like.

And I remember the aunts and uncles who came to visit us when I was a child. Some were quite talkative and seemed engaged in life. But others, brought to my house by their spouses, just sat, speaking little, and dutifully rose to go home when their spouse was ready to leave. I remember wondering if they were so quiet when they were home and if their entire lives were filled with silence. As a teenager I believed that once someone got into their 60s they were almost done with life, and withdrew to await the end.  

The stereotypes of older people include slowing down, memory loss, less energy, declining health, not in touch with new technology, loneliness. They all influenced my anticipation of aging with some dread. But as with other stereotypes I am finding that they are often untrue. And those that are true may not have a significant impact on my daily life.

I associate various decades of my life with the activities that were prominent for me during those periods. I can readily answer Who WAS that?  In my twenties I was figuring out the work that I wanted to do, dating, and going to graduate school. My thirties were especially busy- falling in love, marriage, having two children, and completing my doctoral studies. In my forties and fifties, taking care of my young children and building my career as a research scientist was a focus. My sixties brought  a new sense of freedom- children launched, moving back to the city from the suburbs, and eagerly engaging in city life.

And now, in my seventies, since retirement from my full-time work, it is time to figure out what this decade will mean for me, and answer Who IS that? Although there are some models of older women in the media, most don’t fit me. I recently saw pictures of Jane Fonda in her 70s and 80s- still thin, beautifully coiffed, no facial sagging, and no batwings. She and other women entertainment figures appear in the media looking glamorous, often revealing a hint of cleavage. Not for me, not ever and not now.  Other women recently in the media who made major contributions in their 70s include Madeline Albright and Ruth Bader Ginsberg. But they’re not models for me either… they were in positions of power that had international impact. There are also some extraordinary artists, like the writers Alice Munro and Margaret Atwood, who were still creating wonderful stories in their 70s and beyond. They continue to build on their lifetime achievements, and that’s not me either. Although I was successful as a researcher, and headed a national Drug Use/HIV Research Center for over 20 years,  I am looking for new sources for work and pleasure. And there are many older women I see in ads, on the TV and other media- often as examples of the benefits of medications, or of senior living facilities. Being relatively healthy, these don’t apply to me either. At least not yet.

Why did you stop dying your hair ? my older sister recently asked. My immediate answer was that I always thought being natural was what I wanted, and I waited until after I retired to stop dying my hair, as I didn’t want to look older than my colleagues. But I know there are other reasons. I no longer want to feel that signs of aging need to be hidden or covered over. I choose to embrace my aging and even more, to find new tasks for my 70s and beyond, perhaps with new meanings. And I feel that these changes – letting my hair become its natural color and seeking new activities and pleasures in life- provide an important lesson for my children and others I care about. As was true of me, most of them can’t imagine that they will ever be my age- but I don’t want them to fear it, or try and deny it when that time comes to them.

So this is my decade, defined by more opportunity for reading, writing, traveling, talking with those I care about, and new activities still in development. And I believe that my age group and lifestyle should get more attention in the media. It’s fine to see and learn about older glamorous women, women of international distinction, artists still productive as they age, and even those in need of medication or health care. But attention to older women as simply engaged in everyday life and pursuits seems under-represented. More of those models are needed.

I am learning that the answer to Who IS That? at this stage of my life can be complex and evolving. Yes, the health aspects need attention, and more time is devoted to them. But I still have aspirations for activities to provide pleasures and the sense of fulfillment I have strived for in past decades. It’s not very different now, in fact there is more time for the pursuit. Wait your turns, my dears, you will get here some day too.