Anticipation

Anticipation is under-appreciated as a source of pleasure. Sometimes the anticipation can even be more pleasurable than the experience anticipated. For several years I looked forward to retirement, anticipating that I could plan and do more of the activities I was always too busy to do when I worked- like visiting new places in NYC and spending more time with friends and family. I enjoyed planning the things I was going to do, and have come to realize that there are different kinds of anticipation.

There are the things I have control over. For example, I enjoy reading new authors, and have discovered that I like Philip Roth novels, Alice Munro short stories, and biographies. The pleasure starts when I buy the book, before I even read it. 

I also enjoy good food and drink, and can anticipate an upcoming meal with pleasure, especially at a restaurant or at someone else’s home (so I don’t need to do the work myself).  Sometimes, if I have difficulty falling asleep, I think of having a favorite breakfast in the morning, like an omelet with toast, and find that the pleasure I feel is helpful in drifting off.

There are several people I enjoy seeing and talking with, and when I make a date with them I eagerly look forward to it, often thinking about the topics we will talk about. In the case of my two-year old grandson, just the anticipation of seeing him- as conversation is quite limited-  is enough to fill me with a sense of joy.

But infrequently, the anticipation of something I look forward to results in disappointment: my favorite authors have written pieces I don’t enjoy, a meal is tasteless, or a conversation with a dear friend results in an unpleasant disagreement. But I still look forward to these events in the future, and know I can choose another book, try a different food, and make up with a friend in an upcoming conversation.  Anticipation for the next time is still pleasurable.  

I can also have positive anticipation about things I have no control over.

Sometimes I buy lottery tickets, especially when the media has drawn attention to an upcoming big payoff. As a scientist, with some knowledge of probability, I know that the likelihood of my winning a lottery is infinitesimal, and is not increased if the payoff is greater. And yet, from the moment I buy the ticket until the drawing I feel a little shift in my mood. I could win, wouldn’t that be something! What would I do- would I share most of it with my children, would I give most of it away to worthy causes, would it make my life easier or would I be inundated with requests for monies from a wide variety of people? I enjoy these thoughts… although I know that a big windfall would also bring stress about spending decisions. I have concluded that when I buy a ticket, it’s not for the win, but rather for the anticipation itself – for the period between the time of purchase and the time when the winning number is drawn.

I have become more aware of the role of anticipation during COVID time when I lost control over some of my plans. When threats of the pandemic were elevated, I felt I had to cancel many things: plans to visit new places, dates with family and friends, and even a trip to a wedding. Now, with my fears somewhat reduced due to vaccinations and lower hospitalization/death rates, I have begun planning some of these trips (not the wedding- thankfully it took place and I watched it on zoom). But I was disappointed that some events, like shows at local museums, are no longer available.

 I now find that the COVID-related pauses or delays of events have increased my pleasure in thinking about and planning activities I want to do. I have even started to anticipate enjoying these anticipatory periods, they add another layer of pleasure. And I know that sometimes that may be all I will have.