I am not on the dating market, as my husband Doug and I have been married for 44 years and hopefully will be together for years to come. However, in my observations of seniors I have become aware of some Do’s and Don’ts for those wishing to date. This may occur for seniors who are widowed, divorced, or never married. With the many on-line dating sites, opportunities for seniors who wish to date have never been greater.
Some dating tips for seniors are commonly known, and are similar to those given to younger people looking to date. For example, on a first date with someone you meet online, it’s best to meet in public. I assume this is in case the date may be offensive or even appear potentially violent. This is probably rare, but nonetheless the precaution makes sense and allows for an easy exit. Other advice for meeting new people suggests you try to balance the talking:listening time ratio and wear clothes that are stylish but not too loud or revealing (unless that’s what you want to convey). Also, if you are creating a profile for on-line dating, post a picture that is fairly recent – it’s not likely to turn out well if your potential date is expecting to find someone in their 40s, and although you are still quite attractive, it’s obvious that you have been on Social Security benefits for many years. Generally, truthfulness in your on-line profile, regardless of age, is best.
Traditional ways of meeting, through family, friends, and casual activities in the neighborhood, do still occur, and are preferred by many seniors. It’s helpful to be open to others you may meet, and not as judgmental about superficialities like clothes and looks as you may have been in the past. This applies to potential romantic dates as well as for others you meet, who are potential acquaintances or friends.
There is additional advice, not often discussed, that can be helpful for seniors who are looking for that special someone.
Meeting people while doing daily errands can be quite exciting and even romantic. When shopping, this requires being somewhat discreet about some of your purchases, as you never know when you might encounter someone you are interested in. For example, if you are buying Depends, make sure you bring a bag big enough to conceal what is in the package, as some stores do not have bags big enough to enclose this item, especially if you are purchasing supplies for several weeks. The same principle applies to such purchases as Fixodent, anti-gas medications, and the like – although in these cases, the store bag is likely to suffice.
In initial meetings or on-line introductory conversations, convey modesty. Spending extensive time talking about your many accomplishments and awards, while impressive, may not lead to further contacts. The potential date may think you are a narcissist and will want to avoid meeting you again, or may feel overwhelmed by how impressive you are, and believe they are unworthy to initiate a relationship. Similarly, other topics that are appropriate for later “getting to know you” conversations, but that should only be briefly discussed at the outset, include: the many accomplishments of your children, the brilliance of your grandchildren, and details about the many family cruises you have taken. These can all be mentioned, but detailed information should probably best be kept until the relationship is underway. The same caution applies to detailed descriptions of your health problems (sometimes known as an organ recital), your surgical operations, or the unpleasant side effects you experienced from medications.
Initial conversations, as they are exploratory, should best focus on potential areas of mutual interest, such as movies and books enjoyed, preferred cuisines, the type of work you did and the activities you enjoy in retirement. Current news is also appropriate to discuss, but you may want to tread carefully around topics of current politics until you know your date’s inclinations. This applies even if you have been a life-long adherent to a particular political belief or party. And if their closely held beliefs are different than yours, efforts to educate them or change their views are not likely to be successful, certainly not early in the relationship, and perhaps never. Actually, if your political beliefs are very important to you, it may be best to identify these differences within the first few meetings, as you may decide this is not a relationship you want to develop.
If you meet for lunch or dinner, some other guidelines to follow are: Don’t order the cheapest item on the menu (he/she may think you are tight with money), and don’t order the most expensive (it may seem you are a spendthrift or are trying to impress them). And each participant should pay for their own menu choices. You may have been raised at a time when the male partner was expected to pay any dating costs, but those times are gone. Also, if your dentures get loose and need to be affixed to your gums during the meal, excuse yourself and do this in the bathroom. You may believe you can surreptitiously take care of this need while holding a napkin in front of your mouth, but it is likely that your date will know what is going on. They may understand this need, and in fact have it themselves, but still feel that courtesy requires you to excuse yourself from the table.
Bring your aids with you on your dates- be it hearing aids, glasses, cane, walker, wheelchair, etc. I assume you need them to hear and see well, and to move around safely, so don’t leave them home. You might mention before meeting that you have a leg/hip/other problem, and are using a cane/walker/wheelchair to facilitate your movement, so that they won’t be surprised when meeting you for the first time. This may also encourage them to share any similar information about themselves, and a mutually comfortable meeting venue can be agreed upon.
Finally, enjoy yourself! Having the time to meet new people is one of the pleasures of aging. And don’t feel you need to impress anyone. Just be yourself and if you meet people you want to see again, take advantage of the opportunity to enrich your life.
Reflections on Aging 