Room for One More? Not Right Now

When I was growing up there were some expressions I heard that were rules about being polite or advice about how to relate to others, and they seemed to be useful guidelines.  In the past two decades, crises in our country have led to changes in behaviors, and these expressions are no longer useful. Some examples:

1. Mind your own business

As a child, I heard this often from my mother. She immigrated to the U.S.  from Poland as a teen-ager, where she had experienced anti-Semitism, and she learned to ignore or avoid people who were outside of her immediate family and friend network. Mind your own business she would say when we were outside together and I asked about why strangers did or said certain things. I grew up believing that even if I saw someone doing something that seemed odd or that I was curious about, I should just ignore it.

After 9/11, when concerns about terrorism became widespread, especially in New York City, this was replaced by signs that advised:

If you see something, say something

We were now encouraged to contact the police or other authorities if we saw people acting suspiciously, or saw an unattended package, especially in the subway or other places where people congregated. Although I have never been in a situation where I felt I needed to “say something,” I became more aware of others’ activities and had to consciously over-ride my mother’s earlier warnings.

2. There’s always room for one more

Being polite used to include making room for others in crowded spaces. If you were on a bus or train, or in a crowded elevator, and someone tried to enter, you would step back if at all possible, and say, usually with a smile: there’s always room for one more. The person you made space for often nodded in appreciation, a friendly exchange in an otherwise anonymous environment.

After the onset of the COVID pandemic, especially in New York City where there was an early spike in cases, this polite gesture was no longer welcome. While there are a vast array of trains, buses and elevators needed to move large numbers of people, this nicety was replaced by notices that said:

Maintain social distance of at least 6 feet

Trying to keep at least six feet apart from others can be a challenge in NYC. I have recently found that buses are generally not crowded since many people are not yet back to work and I don’t tend to travel in rush hours. As for elevators, in my large apartment building there is a sign recommending that not more than 2-3 people ride an elevator together, and they should keep socially distant while waiting for the elevator and within the elevator. Some people I know will only ride an elevator if they are alone, and won’t get in if someone else is in the elevator. They will also get off the elevator if someone else should enter. I no longer take this personally.

3. Keep in Touch and You Will be Welcomed with Open Arms

When expressing a desire to stay in contact with someone, or letting them know that I wanted to see them again, I would say keep in touch. Warm invitations to a friend’s home might include the phrase you will be welcomed with open arms.

Most people no longer mean these expressions literally. Social distancing and virtual get togethers have replaced in-person get-togethers. And we now hear:

Let’s schedule a Zoom call         

Interactions with others, both business and personal, are often more likely to occur now via Zoom or facetime or some other video technology. Although this can’t replace in-person time together it is one way to “stay in touch” and can be more satisfying than a simple phone call or electronic message.

My conclusion is that aging can bring changes in what we always considered the right thing to do, especially when they emerge in times of crisis. And these new behaviors are likely to be around for a long time. The “see something, say something” signs in public places are still there after almost 20 years. As for the admonitions to social distance, this may also be part of a new normal for a while. Even though I am sorry to see these changes, at least for now, they serve to protect us all. As we have in the past, we can find new ways to respect and relate to each other under our common threats.