Living With Contradictory Beliefs

I have always liked the concept of cognitive dissonance. That’s when you have two beliefs or behaviors that are contradictory to each other, and you feel uncomfortable because it is difficult to hold on to both of them. For example, you would experience cognitive dissonance if you see a friend who you think is a kind person mistreating someone else. The contradictory thoughts are- this is a kind person, and,  this is someone who mistreats others. It would be hard to hold on to both beliefs, so to resolve it you may need to do one of several things: you can conclude that your friend is actually unkind,  you can decide that the person who was mistreated was behaving badly and deserved the mistreatment (holding on to your belief that the friend is still kind), or you might see the mistreatment as pretty mild, so it doesn’t impact how you feel about your friend. The psychologist who developed this concept of cognitive dissonance, Leon Festinger, provided many examples of how people try to resolve dissonant perceptions, beliefs and behaviors.  I enjoyed identifying my own contradictions and finding ways to reduce the discomfort they produced, but as I get older, some are getting harder to resolve.

Divesting of things I no longer use, or, is the grass really greener on the other side? Dissonance happened when I decided to sell my condo in Florida. We inherited it from my mother-in-law after she died, about 20 years ago. We don’t use it very much, it needs repairs, and maintenance and tax costs keep rising. So my family helped me plan how to dispose of the contents (distribution to family, sale and donations), and I found a go-getter realtor. She did some research and came up with an asking price, hired a painter to freshen up the place, and put the listing on the market. Lots of cognitive dissonance emerged:  I wanted to sell it to have one less thing to be concerned about but when I met with the realtor it was lovely to sit on the porch overlooking the pool and pretty trees- did I really want to sell it? I decided to go ahead with the listing. The condo sold in one day, at the asking price! Yikes, more dissonance! Did I sell it too soon? At too low a price? vs I was fortunate to get a buyer at the asking price. And another one:  If someone wanted it so quickly does that mean it is more desirable than I thought and I should keep it? Vs. it’s great that it sold so quickly. Wow– lots to feel uncomfortable about… but I am OK with all these contradictions, and can justify selling it now: I don’t want to make the needed repairs, the market price may go down in the future, and with the proceeds of the sale I can stay at lovely hotels when I want to go to Florida. But will those things happen?

Behaviors related to healthy living. Lower weight maintenance, alcohol, smoking – I know the healthy behaviors:  I should diet to lose weight, drink infrequently and never smoke. Here’s the dissonance: managing these behaviors is good for my health vs. I enjoy food and alcohol and I crave smoking cigarettes. I am dealing with these contradictions, with mixed success:

-Regarding alcohol use, I learned that if I drink too much, as I get older, I don’t feel well at the end of the evening or in the morning. So I limit myself to 1-2 drinks… most times.

-In terms of dieting, I have learned that I can diet and lose weight, but major family events recently presented challenges. I decided to enjoy these events, and cut back for a few days afterwards to get back to my starting point. But it’s two weeks later and I’m still trying to cut back.

– As for smoking, although I was a pack-a-day smoker starting in my teens and  stopped after about 20 years, I still crave it, especially when I am with smokers. So I “bum” cigarettes when I am with people who smoke- there aren’t too many of these anymore- and I periodically buy them a pack for compensation. I know – this is not good for me and it does nothing to reduce smoking among smokers I care about, but hey, I’m human, and all our contradictions are not easily nor fully resolvable.

Beliefs about aging. I feel energetic and eager to do things. But when I look in the mirror I see someone who looks older than I feel. I grew up with a family that believed that once you got past a certain age—and in those days it seemed to start at about 50—you couldn’t do much anymore. Visiting family, watching TV, eating, that was about it… you couldn’t be very active. So here’s the dissonance : am I getting too old to explore new places and meet new friends or should I enjoy myself with whatever I’d like to do?   And here’s my resolution to this one: I believe that times have changed, we are healthier and living longer, and my family was wrong; activity doesn’t have to stop at a certain age.  Furthermore, doing the things I enjoy makes me happier about aging. I think this is a win-win.

So, while much of the research literature on cognitive dissonance has been devoted to various methods of resolving the discomfort it brings, I have learned that sometimes I can’t resolve my contradictory beliefs and just need to live with them. No dissonance about that!