Never Me

When I was in my late teens and early 20s, still influenced by romantic fairy tales, I fantasized about meeting my prince. He would be handsome and very smart. And like me, he would support liberal political views. And he would never have been married before and would never have had children. He would love me as he never loved anyone. In my 30s I fell in love and married, and yes, he was handsome and smart, and liberal… and he was divorced and the father of three children. His prior marital status was never a problem for us— in fact I liked his ex-wife, and his children have all enriched our lives together and are a cherished part of our family. But that was one of my first lessons in how ideas I had about things that were “never me” might in fact happen to me.

For those readers familiar with my blog, you know that one reason I started it was to deal with my surprise that I was becoming a senior. I always enjoyed being with people of all ages, and I never discriminated against the older ones. I just didn’t think I would ever be one of them! It was only after retiring from my career and seeing strange things happening, like developing a friendship network of other retired people, that I realized I had entered the realm of seniorhood. And I found that I enjoyed it.

I had “never me” ideas about my weight too. Before giving birth to children I had a stable weight, that never wavered over about 10 years. But even with an understanding of hormonal and psychological challenges to weight loss, I still wondered why people who were overweight didn’t just make the effort to take off a few pounds. I believed that if I were ever above what I considered my normal, somewhat slim weight, I would simply find a diet and take off the extra pounds. After each of my children were born, I was surprised that the weight gain during pregnancy far exceeded their birth weights.  Efforts over the years to return to my former weight were never successful. Again, I experienced another example of “never me” coming to be. Now I am moderate in terms of my diet and alcohol  (most of the time), I exercise regularly, and I have learned to accept the new me.

But the “never me” syndrome, part denial and part hubris, is still difficult to overcome. For example, I am generally healthy, and have not been subject to health problems that I have seen occur to others. I have no chronic illnesses, and rarely even get seasonal flus. After two years of the COVID pandemic, during which I continued meeting friends and going to NYC museums and other locations (usually masked if it was indoors), I began thinking I was impervious to this virus. Until I got it! Doing a home antigen test in preparation for a family get-together, I tested positive for COVID, later confirmed by a PCR test. I had only mild symptoms and have full recovered, but this experience reminded me that the “never me” mentality means I might not have been as careful as I needed to be.

My husband recently had some health issues, mostly related to aging, and for a time I became an intensive home healthcare giver.  The activities involved were so “never me” that I hadn’t even thought about them as a possibility— it was out of the realm of my life space. But I have found unexpected sources of support and assistance in providing these new needs,  providing me with comfort and strength.

All this serves to remind me that what happens to others can also happen to me, and my beliefs about “never me” should be open for unexpected possibilities.

And sometimes these can lead to good or even pleasurable outcomes.