Differences Between Actual and Felt Ages

Most older people think of themselves as younger than their age.  I am in that group. And I’m also one of those older folks who are surprised when they glimpse themselves in a mirror or glass window. Who is that person? She couldn’t be me— she looks older than I am, and looks like my mother. It must be a mistake. 

So I got to thinking about aging, and the difference between my chronological age and the age I feel I am.

Research has found that many people begin thinking of themselves as younger than their age as early as their 30s, and the perceived difference increases as they get older. I found that in my own family. My 40 year-old daughter said she felt like she was in her 30s, and when I asked my 87 year-old husband how old he felt, his first response was that he didn’t think about it, and then he said he felt like he was in his 50s! And even when I asked how old he thought he looked when he looked in the mirror- he still said he looked in his 50s! How could that be, I thought. Is that a gender difference? a visual acuity difference?

Feeling younger than your age is associated with lower rates of depression and better physical health, all good things. There’s no real downside to feeling younger than I am, except that it increases my dislike of hearing the negative stereotypes about getting older.

Why do I feel younger than my age? Some of the probable contributors are my genetic makeup, having no chronic illnesses, regular exercising (sometimes), staying in touch with family and friends, engaging in activities that stimulate my mind, and watching my diet (sometimes). I also like feeling younger than my age because in my teenage years I skipped two grades before graduating high school, and for many years I tried acting older than my age to fit in with my peers. I lost some of my young years during that time, and I missed them.

And another reason I feel younger than my age is because I have many things to look forward to, and need years ahead to get or do them. I recently came across some notes I made about five years ago, of hopes I had for the next few years. These included seeing my children get the things they wanted. For my daughter (then single) it was to marry and have children; and for my son and his wife, it was to buy their first home. For me, items on the list included retiring and having time to write and explore new cultural activities in NYC. Check, check and check – all these things happened. I feel pleased about them, and fortunate that they have been attained. And I have more to anticipate – to see members of my extended family reach various milestones and other pleasures they seek. And for myself- there are things to see, essays to write, books to read, people I want to spend time with, and perhaps even classes to take to improve my language skills in Spanish and Yiddish.  Making plans and anticipating these pleasures helps keep me feeling younger than my age.

Enjoying the present also helps. A neighbor who is 93 told me that she had bought a costly jacket that she liked and then returned it, thinking that buying something so expensive and conspicuous at her age was somehow not right. A short while later she got a gift certificate for the same store… went and saw that the same jacket was there… and she bought it!. Why not buy it at 93? she rhetorically asked, with pleasure and triumph in her voice. Why not indeed!  I thought. An upside to aging is the realization that you shouldn’t defer or deny pleasures for yourself.

And I find that age differences with others matter less as I get older, broadening my potential friendship network. For example, children who are seven years apart in age, like five and twelve, are not likely to have much in common, and unlikely to become friends. But when you get older, and meet someone with whom you have a seven year difference in age- like 71 and 78- the age difference itself is meaningless if there are common interests, shared values, and an ease in connecting. A close, even life-long loving friendship can be formed.

At some point in our lives we go through all the age markers for life’s milestones. In youth, we look forward to reaching certain ages – like those required to legally get a driver’s license, to vote, and to buy alcohol. But once we pass those markers, there are none until we get ready to retire and receive social security benefits. There’s no need to add any age requirements of our own as we get older- like thinking we are too old (or too young and have lots of time) to go on that trip, learn a new language, or buy that expensive jacket.  It appears that planning and doing them may not only give pleasure, but will extend the time we have in which to enjoy them.

Of course there are downsides to aging, no one escapes declining energy and increasing health concerns. But as long as you feel younger than your chronological age, there are many benefits.