Relaxing Can Take Work

When I retired, I thought that I would have more time to relax, and it would be effortless. That hasn’t been true. Because of the busy life I had, with work often extending outside of regular office hours, when I tried to relax it felt as if I was wasting time, that I wasn’t being productive.

So I looked up the word relax. Most definitions include words like less tense, more calm, and rest. That sounds about right, in terms of what I want to achieve, yet I find it hard to get there.

First, if I just sit in a comfortable chair and put my feet up, I am flooded with thoughts about tasks I need to do – even if they are relatively simple like taking out the garbage, making a phone call, or buying milk. I keep a pad and pen near me when I want to relax so I can write down the tasks that come to mind. I learned this from the Erhard Seminar Training (EST) that I took in the 1980s. They gave advice about how to get a good night’s rest if there are things you need to do the next day that are worrying you—just write them down on a pad, and let the pad worry about them overnight. That has been helpful in terms of helping me fall asleep, but when I want to relax, I keep thinking of new undone tasks. The other problem is that while I am in my comfy chair, if I feel tired, I fall asleep. I don’t want to do that because then I will miss the pleasurable sensation of relaxing, and in addition, if I sleep too long it may interfere with my sleep at bedtime.

There are plenty of suggestions out there about how to relax, including things like taking slow deep breaths and doing mindfulness meditation. I have done these, but only for brief time periods, perhaps that’s why when they end I don’t feel much more relaxed. Other advice recommends certain activities, like doing yoga, getting a massage, or taking a bubble bath. But these are not very appealing to me, as they involve some preparation or planning, and getting up, and I usually want to stay in my comfortable chair.

Of course there are some old standbys that are not healthy, like drinking alcohol or smoking (weed or regular cigarettes). Although I try these to relax sometimes, for general health reasons, I want to limit their use.

So what’s to be done? I think I have found what may work for me. I checked the etymology of the word relax and learned that it comes from the prefix re– meaning to go back, and lax – meaning to loosen. In other words, it means to return to a state of less tension, which means that a state of tension/activity/accomplishment existed after the last period of relaxation and is needed before the currently sought after relaxing period can begin.  This means I need to plan for a period of activity that will give me a sense of accomplishment and a little tension before I can relax again. Since I usually have many tasks on my to-do list— like making the needed phone call to the cable company, or ordering the new pillows for my bed, or even writing that next essay—there is no lack of activities. And after I complete a task and am satisfied with what I have done, I should be able to comfortably settle into the chair and relax. It will be almost as if I have earned the time for relaxation. But wait—unfortunately, sometimes undertaking and even completing a task may not be satisfying, it may in fact increase tension. I may need to undertake two or three of them before I am ready to re-lax.  Hopefully there is still time left in the day.

Hmmm, this may not be as easy as I thought.  It looks like relaxing may take some work.