Making New Relationships

I have been thinking about the psychological concept of transference. It occurs when feelings or attitudes toward one person are applied (transferred) to someone else. This may occur in psychotherapy, when patients transfer feelings they had toward a parent or other significant person from childhood, onto their therapist. It is believed to occur unconsciously, and can be a useful tool for the therapist in working with the patient. But it also happens to most of us in everyday life.

I thought of it recently when I visited a niece in Florida.  On two occasions I called her Dara- the name of my daughter. I think this occurred because I love them both, feel very at ease with them both, and the emotions I felt for my daughter were simply transferred to my niece. I laughed when I called my niece’s dog the name of my grandson! Both are warm and loving, fun to be with, great to hug, and shorter than me. Perhaps as I get older, some emotional boundaries are coming down, and emotions that I have common to more than one person (or even pet!) may spill over, and get transferred between them.  

I think I also experience transference when trying to pick baby names. When a friend or relative has been pregnant and talked with me about possible baby names, I sometimes have strong, almost visceral, reactions to certain names.  Some of my feelings were readily understood, since they were tied to current figures in the news or famous people who I either liked or didn’t like. But some came from people I knew in elementary school who I had not thought of in decades, but whose names raised either strong positive or negative feelings. How strange— that emotions about people I knew a long time ago emerged in situations that had nothing to do with them.

Transference also occurs in relationships with partners. It is believed that some people choose partners because of their similarities to or differences from someone significant in their childhood, usually a parent. This can lead to the attraction we feel for a partner as well as how we relate to them. The transfer of feelings and attitudes developed with one person, to another one later in life, can have positive or negative consequences for the relationship. And we may not even know why we are having the reactions to them that have emerged.

I thought about some people I met in recent years. I felt shy with a new neighbor who was a tall imposing -looking woman. I think she reminded me of a 1^st grade teacher I had who I was always a bit afraid of. I had some reluctance in trying to become more friendly with this neighbor, and may have missed the opportunity for a good relationship. And when a new CEO came to head an agency I worked for a few years ago, I believed that he was competent and would help the agency grow. This led me to share concerns I had about senior staff members and the agency operations. It soon became clear that he had little interest in making changes in the agency and even resented my suggestions, and this interfered with the quality of our working relationship. My transference there was from my father, who always seemed a fair person, benevolent and wanting things to go well at home.  It would have been better had I waited a while longer before deciding to share my concerns with the new CEO.

Then I realized that the longer you live the more significant relationships you have.  Does this mean that as we age, there is some transference of emotions and attitudes from prior relationships, especially our primary ones, to most new people we meet? Does it get harder to respond to someone purely based on who they are, and not who they may remind you of, often unconsciously?  I want to be aware of when I am doing that, so I can appreciate the uniqueness of new people and I don’t miss possibilities for good relationships, or be prematurely overly trusting.

And the other person may be experiencing transference towards me too. When we meet, the room may be crowded with unseen people that we both have brought with us, some not even alive anymore. I want to keep these uninvited guests quiet and in the background, so perhaps I need to get to know them better. I want to make sure they don’t interfere with my making new relationships with people I would enjoy getting to know.