E-ZPass

You have probably heard about E-ZPass, an electronic toll collection system that allows you to prepay tolls so you don’t have to stop at toll plazas. It is in place in much of the US. But this essay is not about a toll-paying system. It’s about something I have thought more about as I age, making arrangements for what’s to be done at my death.

If this topic is uncomfortable for you, please do not read further. Although it was uncomfortable for me initially, I believe that making these arrangements is a gift for my children, as all the decisions will have been made and paid for.  When the time comes, they will have much to deal with and will be glad to know they are following my wishes and don’t have the burden of making these decisions. When we asked them some years back if they wanted to talk about it, and what their preferences might be, they seemed uncomfortable with the discussion and said that whatever we wanted would be fine with them.

My husband and I discussed the topic over several months and recently made all the plans, for the funeral and what is known as the “final resting place.” We have begun paying for the costs over time, and I expect all will be paid for by the time they are needed. I think about this effort as providing for an E-ZPass.

My husband and I expect to live many more years. We love spending time with our family and friends, and have many activities that we enjoy. Several years ago we took care of the items associated with dying that require legal assistance, including making a will, setting up trusts, preparing a living will, and designating a power of attorney and health care proxy.  But we were not yet ready for the items related to arrangements regarding our actual deaths.

About a year ago I started thinking about it. My husband had some health issues, and thankfully is now relatively stable. Some people we knew became ill, and some died, making us more conscious of our own eventual deaths. Also, a friend of mine who died this past year, and was a writer too, wrote an essay about making her final arrangements. She titled it “Good to Go,” and while she and I laughed at this title, her death was another reminder of the inevitable.  

I contacted a funeral parlor and arranged for the funeral and service. My husband and I are Jewish, and there is a funeral parlor in NYC where we attended services for some Jewish friends, so it was easy to know who to contact. Although I generally do comparison shopping for costly items, it didn’t appeal to me in this matter. In addition, since we both had chosen to be cremated—despite my husband’s periodic request to be bronzed— we needed to decide what would be done with the ashes. At first I thought they could just be placed in the East River as we live by the river; I often walk alongside it, and we love looking at it out our window. But I decided against that: I had heard it was illegal, and I felt I wanted a place that had my name on it. This feeling was strengthened in a discussion with my daughter, who expressed the desire to have a place to take her children when they were older, after I was gone, where they could see my name.

As a lover of New York City and all it offers, I didn’t want to be far from Manhattan, so I looked on line and found a mausoleum in Westchester; not surprisingly, it was hard to find a “vacancy” in an available suitable cemetery in Manhattan, and I didn’t want to be in the outer boroughs. I asked my son to go with me to visit the Westchester cemetery. As we drove there I asked him how he felt and he expressed some discomfort in going with me on this unusual errand. But he indicated that he appreciated what I was doing and knew that it would make things easier for him.  

The mausoleum was an attractive newly-built stone structure, located on beautiful grounds. I selected niches in the columbarium for my husband and myself.  Although they had larger niches that could accommodate two urns, given that throughout our 45+ year marriage we always had some independence in our lives, I decided on separate but adjacent niches. We also enjoy the wonderful view from our apartment window, so I selected niches with seating areas that would provide any visitor with a lovely view.  I felt that the view from the niche itself would not be as important. When I asked my son if he had any opinions about this, he didn’t. I think he was just glad that it would be settled.  I left a deposit for payment, and it was all done.

I learned several things in this process:

1. New vocabulary words –  mausoleum, columbarium and niche. I smiled when talking about it, as I think I always wanted to find my niche in life, and was glad that the final one would be in a lovely area.

2. The phrase “location, location, location” is usually used when talking about real estate, with higher expenses associated with better locations for a residence. I learned that there are cost implications for one’s location even after death. Niches at eye level were the most costly; those higher or lower were a little cheaper. And as in life, the view from one’s location makes a difference in cost. This surprised me as in buying this real estate, I had no concern about building equity nor changing property values; it didn’t seem that moving would ever be an option.

I was relieved it was done. When I told my husband about the arrangements, he seemed indifferent; I think he hasn’t yet accepted that he will ever need this.  But I can now stop thinking about it, knowing that it will not be a burden to those I love. I have created my own E-ZPass; a gift for my children and myself.  And I am back to engaging in life!