Pages In-Between

A few days ago, as I opened my journal to continue my daily entries, I realized that several weeks ago I had skipped two pages. I think these pages must have somehow stuck together. There they were- blank pages, sitting in-between pages I had written on, about days that were already in the past. I started thinking, what if I could go back in time to days in my life I had missed, with the knowledge that I had now? What would I put in those pages?

I decided to fill in the pages by stages of my life. And so I began, writing about what I felt had been missing:

In childhood, I would have talked more to my father and tried to get to know him better. He died when I was 12, and was beloved by many family members, so I always thought I had missed something. And my grandmother (Bubba) who was the source of great love and caretaking, I would have hugged her, told her that I loved her. And I would have asked my older siblings to spend time playing with me- they were off with their own friends when they had free time. I had a complicated relationship with my mother; she seemed angry much of the time, I would have asked her why.

For my teenage years, I would have tried to identify my interests, not just follow what others seemed to respect or wanted me to do. I would have started therapy earlier (I started at 19, after finishing college). I was self-critical and somewhat lonely during those years. A caring, supportive mentor would have been helpful to me, personally and career-wise, but that concept wasn’t developed then, and in any case, I can’t think of anyone who would have taken that role.

In adulthood, in my 20s, I worked, went to graduate school, lived with roommates, dated. I remember that as a good time, and wouldn’t use my found pages to add to that. Then marriage, children, work – all were fulfilling, and I wouldn’t change any of those activities either. If possible, I would add more time to develop friendships, to be self-reflective, and try more couples therapy with my husband. While I was successful in my career, I would have taken a more prominent leadership role.

And now, in what are called my senior years, my pages are filled with activities I want to do, with fewer time pressures than I used to feel. They include things like writing essays, reading more, exploring the cultural and other pleasures of Manhattan, seeing friends and family and volunteer work. I wouldn’t change any of these activities, I think I would just try to manage my time to fit them all in regularly.

So what did I learn in looking back at how I would have filled in empty pages from my past? Some themes stand out: in my early years I would add more family connections, and as a teen, sought support in developing career and self-regard. As an adult, my main addition would be to appreciate myself for all I was doing.  Perhaps now I can use what I learned to help others I care for, at various ages and stages.  And for me, despite some past “woulda coulda shouldas,” I know I can’t go back, those pages are done. I plan to focus on all the pages I have left.