Napping and Other Health Lessons from Childhood

I always thought that taking naps was something only little children needed. It usually occurred twice a day until they were about two years old, then once a day until they were four or five. It gave the parents a break, and the child often awakened less cranky than they were before taking the nap.

It was only after I retired from full-time work that I began appreciating the pleasures of a brief nap. “Power napping,” defined as a mid-day nap of about 20-30 minutes, has been associated with many benefits, including increased energy and better memory. While I worked full-time and especially when I was raising children, I never had the time to take naps. On days that I felt tired, I simply pushed through and did what was needed. But now, if I feel tired in the middle of the day, sometimes I take a brief nap. I love it, and I too am less cranky after waking, ready for engagement in whatever I planned for the rest of the day.

So I started wondering if there are other behaviors associated with early childhood that may be useful to my health now.

My mother and Bubba (grandmother), both of whom raised me, always extolled the benefits of getting me and my siblings out of the apartment to have fresh air, even if temperatures were below freezing. This is a good idea for me now. I find that when I am working at home all day, even at something I enjoy doing, if I haven’t been outdoors, I feel a little dejected by the end of the day. Checking on some research, it has shown that fresh air increases your intake of oxygen, improves circulation, lowers your heart rate, and has other benefits. And there’s another benefit I see – going out reminds me that there is a big world out there with many sources of stimulation and pleasure.    So I plan to go out more often, perhaps after I wake from my naps.

Other behaviors associated with childhood that are good for me may require effort to do successfully. As a child, if I fell and hurt myself, I wanted an adult at home (usually my mother or Bubba), to take care of it. Getting concrete help, like the application of a little iodine or mercurochrome on the wound, and a bandage, was important. But even more important was knowing that there was someone who I could go to if I was hurt who wanted to help me get better. That’s still important now. I can usually figure out the concrete steps to take if there is a physical wound. But for emotional pain I have learned that going to a close friend or relative, someone who listens and cares when life’s challenges seem hard for me, is needed for healing.

I have concluded that many of my childhood behaviors have been forgotten or replaced by activities more appropriate for my age. But I will continue to look back to find those that can still serve me, as wisdom comes from many sources.

Differences Between Actual and Felt Ages

Most older people think of themselves as younger than their age.  I am in that group. And I’m also one of those older folks who are surprised when they glimpse themselves in a mirror or glass window. Who is that person? She couldn’t be me— she looks older than I am, and looks like my mother. It must be a mistake. 

So I got to thinking about aging, and the difference between my chronological age and the age I feel I am.

Research has found that many people begin thinking of themselves as younger than their age as early as their 30s, and the perceived difference increases as they get older. I found that in my own family. My 40 year-old daughter said she felt like she was in her 30s, and when I asked my 87 year-old husband how old he felt, his first response was that he didn’t think about it, and then he said he felt like he was in his 50s! And even when I asked how old he thought he looked when he looked in the mirror- he still said he looked in his 50s! How could that be, I thought. Is that a gender difference? a visual acuity difference?

Feeling younger than your age is associated with lower rates of depression and better physical health, all good things. There’s no real downside to feeling younger than I am, except that it increases my dislike of hearing the negative stereotypes about getting older.

Why do I feel younger than my age? Some of the probable contributors are my genetic makeup, having no chronic illnesses, regular exercising (sometimes), staying in touch with family and friends, engaging in activities that stimulate my mind, and watching my diet (sometimes). I also like feeling younger than my age because in my teenage years I skipped two grades before graduating high school, and for many years I tried acting older than my age to fit in with my peers. I lost some of my young years during that time, and I missed them.

And another reason I feel younger than my age is because I have many things to look forward to, and need years ahead to get or do them. I recently came across some notes I made about five years ago, of hopes I had for the next few years. These included seeing my children get the things they wanted. For my daughter (then single) it was to marry and have children; and for my son and his wife, it was to buy their first home. For me, items on the list included retiring and having time to write and explore new cultural activities in NYC. Check, check and check – all these things happened. I feel pleased about them, and fortunate that they have been attained. And I have more to anticipate – to see members of my extended family reach various milestones and other pleasures they seek. And for myself- there are things to see, essays to write, books to read, people I want to spend time with, and perhaps even classes to take to improve my language skills in Spanish and Yiddish.  Making plans and anticipating these pleasures helps keep me feeling younger than my age.

Enjoying the present also helps. A neighbor who is 93 told me that she had bought a costly jacket that she liked and then returned it, thinking that buying something so expensive and conspicuous at her age was somehow not right. A short while later she got a gift certificate for the same store… went and saw that the same jacket was there… and she bought it!. Why not buy it at 93? she rhetorically asked, with pleasure and triumph in her voice. Why not indeed!  I thought. An upside to aging is the realization that you shouldn’t defer or deny pleasures for yourself.

And I find that age differences with others matter less as I get older, broadening my potential friendship network. For example, children who are seven years apart in age, like five and twelve, are not likely to have much in common, and unlikely to become friends. But when you get older, and meet someone with whom you have a seven year difference in age- like 71 and 78- the age difference itself is meaningless if there are common interests, shared values, and an ease in connecting. A close, even life-long loving friendship can be formed.

At some point in our lives we go through all the age markers for life’s milestones. In youth, we look forward to reaching certain ages – like those required to legally get a driver’s license, to vote, and to buy alcohol. But once we pass those markers, there are none until we get ready to retire and receive social security benefits. There’s no need to add any age requirements of our own as we get older- like thinking we are too old (or too young and have lots of time) to go on that trip, learn a new language, or buy that expensive jacket.  It appears that planning and doing them may not only give pleasure, but will extend the time we have in which to enjoy them.

Of course there are downsides to aging, no one escapes declining energy and increasing health concerns. But as long as you feel younger than your chronological age, there are many benefits.

Making a Difference

I always liked the phrase “making a difference,” and hoped that if I did my work conscientiously, I would be doing something important in the world and making a difference for others. As a research scientist overseeing behavioral research related to HIV and drug use, some of my projects contributed to knowledge about these important health issues of our time. And I believed that treating my staff and research participants respectfully was part of having a successful project. After I retired from work I started engaging in activities I had missed, like attending cultural events in NYC, and taking care of my health by going to the local gym. I assumed this change meant that although I could no longer “make a difference” on the scale of my research career, engagement in these new self-care activities, with the addition of some volunteer work, would be satisfying.

Something happened last week that led me to think differently about how I could impact people in my life. I live in a community that consists primarily of four high-rise buildings, with a total of about 1400 apartments. There is a small Gristedes supermarket that serves the community, and since the store is not on a main street with easy access to street traffic, its primary patrons come from these four buildings.

I have known the manager of the supermarket, Jane (not her real name), for about four years. I understand that she was there in prior years and then returned, but I only know her for the most recent time period.

Although prices were a little high in the store, I liked going there, for its convenience and because of Jane. She knew my name and would greet me whenever I went into the store. If I looked for a product and couldn’t find it, she eagerly walked me over to where it was. She also commiserated with me when I commented on the high prices, and said it was out of her hands. Jane always wished me well on the infrequent times when I bought a lottery ticket. One day I went to the store to purchase a fruit platter, as I was visiting some friends that afternoon for a pot-luck luncheon. I saw only small containers of cut fruit, that while not reaching the expiration date, had been cut a few days before. I wanted something that was freshly prepared and attractively displayed. I asked Jane if there were any other platters and there were none, but she asked me when I needed it that afternoon and said she would make a platter and I could come back to pick it up. She did- and the platter was lovely and very appealing. How special I felt- she made something just for me.

Last week when I was in the store Jane came to tell me that the coming Sunday would be her last day, she was being transferred to another store. What a surprise! She told me that she hadn’t requested a transfer but that this periodically occurred. I left feeling as though I had lost an important part of my community. By the next day I started realizing that many others felt the same way I did. News had spread and several community members arranged to have a party for Jane, with one day’s notice, in the development’s community room. My husband and I went to the event where food and drink was available. I watched as the attendees collected- there were over 100 people. When Jane entered there was a great round of applause and she expressed teary-eyed thanks for this display of affection for her. A petition was passed around, requesting that she not be transferred, and I learned that a letter was prepared and sent to the president/CEO of Gristedes telling him how important Jane was to the community and requesting that the transfer be rescinded. I also learned that across the many years of Jane’s prior stays at that supermarket, she had impacted many people over time and knew many of their family members. Some of the tenants had lived there over 40 years through many life phases – they had their children there, retired from work, lost their spouses, and were now seniors. When Jane thanked us for the party she said that we were like her family.

Some people at the party told “Jane stories” – about the times she had her staff deliver food to someone in the complex who was suffering from COVID, about the time she had ordered a special root beer that a tenant wanted and had the case of soda delivered to the front of their door. I laughingly said that Jane probably knew the names of all the people in that room, and everyone smiled in agreement. And then someone said what summed up the feelings for all of us – “Jane made everyone feel that they were special.”

Jane made a difference in the lives of many of us in that community.  As I left the party and went over for a final good-bye, she gave me a large piece of ice-cream cake that was left over from the party – “here, take it home, you can put it in the freezer.”  So even at this time, when her pending departure filled her with sadness about leaving her “family,” she still wanted to take care of us. Some of us said we would visit her in the new store, and she said she would come back to see us- but we knew all this was unlikely, given the distance and life’s other necessary activities. In any case, it would not be returning to the relationship that we had.

So why is this important? A little story in a small community where we will all go back to doing what we did before? I learned that “making a difference” is something we can do no matter what our work and position is in life- whether one is overseeing a large research project, or working in a retail shop. And retiring from work doesn’t mean one’s potential for impact on others has diminished. If you can convey to the people you come in contact with that you appreciate them as individuals and that they are special to you, you can make a difference that has consequences for them. I plan to take that lesson with me.

Thankful that Nothing Happened

I am learning that sometimes I should be grateful that nothing happened. Let me explain. One recent week had many sources of distress. I thought I lost my building entry card, that has my photo on it and would involve cost and time to get replaced. I was annoyed. Also, I couldn’t access my Masterclass on-line classes. I called the customer service line but they couldn’t help me, even after giving me a new password. Not only were they not helpful— but after following all their instructions, I believed I lost other automatic passwords on my computer— thus leaving me worse off than when I started. I was upset. That same day, after returning from getting a haircut, my husband announced that he had lost his wallet—filled with credit cards and ID cards— a nightmare to replace, and potentially costly.  And one more thing, earlier in the week I went for a physical exam, as I had been feeling very tired in the past few months, and I needed to call my doctor for the results of my blood tests. I had some concern that some disease or deficit would be found in these tests, changing my life.

So what happened? After looking in the various compartments of my pocketbook, multiple times, I found the ID card— I must have missed one compartment. The morning after the Masterclass problem I turned on my computer, with trepidation, prepared to call the customer service line again, and voila—I could access Masterclass, and everything else seemed to be functioning OK. Then I searched my husband’s coats and pants pockets for the wallet, to no avail— but walking through the living room I saw the wallet tucked into the side of the living room chair. In searching his pockets, it must have fallen out and gotten wedged next to the pillow. And at the end of the week I called my doctor and learned that all my tests were normal.

All this helped me realize that feeling good should not just come from appreciating the good things in life that can happen, like having a nice dinner with a close friend or hearing that one of my children got a promotion. I should also feel pleasure when something that could have potentially gone bad, didn’t, or when there has been an absence of bad news. During that entire week, any one of those things I worried about could have turned out poorly— but nothing happened. Even more important, there was no bad news, like calls that someone was ill.

So, I can still hope for good things happening, like visits from people I have been eager to see, and wedding plans or promotions among family and friends. But some days I plan to just sit back and appreciate that while there is often potential for various things to go wrong,  nothing happened.

Late Bloomer

The expression Late Bloomer is used to describe someone who fulfills their potential later than usual. It can apply to an adolescent who goes through puberty later than expected, or a young adult who finds a career path later than his or her peers. It is rarely used for a senior… yet I believe that for some of us, late blooming can occur even at that time in our lives.

For me, it was only after the responsibilities of a busy life—working hard as a student through graduate school, finding a partner and getting married, getting established in a productive career, and raising children—that I could fully look inward to begin to understand what parts of myself had been neglected. I wanted to find what else life had to offer, and what I wanted to nurture and develop in myself. Although I retired from my career as a research scientist several years ago, I did not feel that my involvement in life was diminishing in interests or activities. In fact, I was just getting started.

I had a dear aunt who lived a full life, with career, spouse and children, and died at 90. She had a loving relationship with her husband, but he always seemed to be the decision maker as to what they would do and who they would visit. He also was the primary spokesperson for the two of them, and she often seemed reticent to speak when she was with him. She lovingly cared for him in his final years and had many wonderful memories of their more than 50 years of marriage. After a period of mourning she became active in seeing her friends and family, and attending the cultural events, including jazz concerts, that she so loved throughout her life.  During this time, she told me that she felt like a rose that was just starting to open up! How wonderful I thought, at last she felt free and open to the world, and ready to experience it even more fully than in her earlier years.

Perhaps it is when we are finished with many of the tasks and responsibilities that life gives us—some chosen and some not—that we can appreciate what life has to offer. It is time to find and enjoy those parts of ourselves that have been unexplored.  

So I now choose to apply a late bloomer status to myself and other seniors who initiate or explore interests and  activities that we didn’t have the time to do when we were younger.

Abi Gezundt was one of the Yiddish expressions my mother would say about things she was planning, meaning as long as she stayed healthy.  Health and energy are certainly concerns as I get older. But activities that in the past I could complete in a morning, like visiting several exhibits in a museum, I can now do over two or three days. Also, there are more options available for some activities, including attending virtual classes in new areas of interest, rather than having to go in person.

Certainly, at some point in life, some ambitions and desires may pass the blooming possibilities… especially those that require physical stamina, like becoming a marathon runner, or that involve many years of training and education that no longer seem possible, like becoming a physician.  But- Alan Petricoff did the NYC marathon in 2022 at age 88, and Atomic Leow was 66 in 2015 when he graduated from medical school in Romania. So perhaps some of the possibilities that we now discount as impossible, are not.

I am ready to explore, and have started some new activities, including volunteer work with immigrants, writing a blog, and visiting people and cultural sites that I never had time to explore in the past. And I and a friend have taken on the goal of walking across all the bridges that lead out of Manhattan, which I see as a symbol of my plans for new journeys, some not yet identified.  I always liked the Charles Aznavour song Yesterday, When I Was Young, and  felt especially wistful at the line There are so many songs in me that won’t be sung. But perhaps that doesn’t have to be true after all…  we can all sing longer and later than we ever anticipated.

Half-birthdays and Other Opportunities for Celebration

As I get older, I want to find opportunities for celebration–—dare I say it—of me. Like most others, my life has been filled with moments of joy and feelings of accomplishment, and times of grief and feelings of self-doubt. I have decided to find ways to increase the times for celebrations. I’m sure the negative experiences will take care of themselves.

As a wife and parent in my personal life, and a research director and supervisor in my work life, I participated in and often initiated celebrations of others. I enjoyed them all. Generally, they were for life’s milestones, like ages reached and weddings, or for work-related accomplishments, like promotions. Now that I am out of the formal work environment, and have passed many of my own landmarks (married with adult children), there are fewer opportunities for celebrations. I want to find ways I can celebrate myself.

I recently celebrated my half-birthday. Interestingly, when you ask a parent the age of their infant or toddler child, they are likely to report it in weeks (if the child is under 3 months of age), or in months (if he/she is under two years old). This may be because of the many important developmental milestones that occur during these short time periods. After the second birthday, generally ages are marked and discussed in terms of whole years. But I think we should look at further delineations of age at the other end of life too. For example, I think birthdays should be celebrated biannually after age 75.  After all, one is increasingly aware that the numbers left to celebrate are diminishing, so why not celebrate them in smaller increments?  I’m not talking about big get-togethers or elaborate affairs, unless that is your choice… it’s not mine. I mean simply taking note of the new milestone, congratulating yourself on reaching it, and doing something to celebrate- be it a glass of wine, a special meal, buying something you have wanted, or arranging a date with a beloved friend. Of course one can celebrate birthdays in even greater frequency, like quarterly.  But I personally would not go as far as Lewis Carroll suggested in Through the Looking Glass, celebrating an unbirthday 364 days a year. I think too much celebrating would diminish the celebratory feelings.

In my recent half-birthday celebration, I had my Google nest sing Happy Birthday to me in the morning, I met a friend for lunch, and for dinner with my husband we had some Prosecco and I blew out a candle on my blueberry pie and ice-cream dessert. A satisfying celebration indeed.

I also found other days that I can celebrate myself, days dedicated to various roles that fit me, related to my senior status. They include: Grandma’s Day (January 21), National Senior Citizen’s Day (August 21), and National Grandparents Day (September, the first Sunday after Labor Day). The UN has even declared an International Day of Older Persons, October 1. So if I feel like it, I may choose to celebrate myself on one of those days in the future. There is also an Older Americans Month, that is May, but since May has Mother’s day, perhaps that one day for celebrating me in May is sufficient. However, I can pick another one or two other days in May, and perhaps invite another Older American to celebrate with me!

There are also activities I do that have official dates of recognition. For example. I enjoy writing non-fiction, and found there is a National Authors’ Day (Nov 1).  I also volunteer with an organization serving immigrants, and recently learned about Volunteer Recognition Day (April 20).  

I conclude that I have lots of opportunities for celebration throughout the year. I look forward to them all, whether a simple acknowledgment to myself, or an event enjoyed with others.

New Year’s Irresolutions

Like many people, at the end of every year I start thinking about making New Year’s resolutions. Losing weight and exercising more are among the top two resolutions made by people in the US, and I have made them too, repeatedly. Sometimes I make specific plans for achieving them, like a diet or an exercise regime to follow. I start with strong intention and resolve, yet by mid-February or earlier, the plans have usually faded. Since retirement, with more time available to me, I have added several new resolutions each year, including plans to learn a new language and visit all the museums in NYC. I have made modest progress in both of these new ones, but progress slows during the year.

Statistics about the success of new year’s resolutions have varied, but generally about half of the people who make them are still following them after six months, and about 10% reported that they kept them until the end of the year. Given this overall lack of success, this year I decided to try something different. 

Most of my resolutions in the past have been outcome-oriented and generally involve self-improvement. I am still a proponent of self-improvement, but decided that it doesn’t need to be my primary goal in the future. After all, at this point in life, maybe the level I have reached, at least in some areas, no longer requires further improvement and can just be enjoyed. So I am considering making irresolutions. Here are some helpful definitions:

Irresolution – lack of decision or vacillating

Resolution – a firm decision or being unwavering.

This year I won’t be so definitive about my resolutions, and will aim for maintenance rather than improvement in some areas. In terms of exercise, I go to the gym, take long walks, and am generally happy with this mix. I’m not sure how much more time I want to spend doing exercise, so I won’t make a decision about that. And now that my weight has leveled off in the past few years, and most of my clothes fit my current state, maybe I don’t need to find another diet. I have considered intermittent fasting, but will continue vacillating about this one. I know you can restrict either the number of hours you eat each day or have restrictions on the days of the week that you eat, but since my social calendar varies each week, usually involves eating, and is often unpredictable, I’m not sure I can do that. I don’t want to commit to a plan likely to fail. So this is another item on my irresolution list for 2023.

Other self-improvement New Year’s resolutions I have identified in the past require extensive time and energy, like learning a new language, or cleaning out all my closets. As I get older, and my time and energy are becoming more limited, I do not want to spend too much of my diminishing resources on these activities.  So I will make a set of irresolutions, that enhance my experienced quality of life, may not involve self-improvement and I can do whenever I choose. Taking a short nap during the day is one of these. I recently read that a short nap can increase the cognitive and energy levels of seniors, so I will no longer see it as wasting time. I also will no longer feel guilty about time spent playing word games – I admit, I am addicted to Scrabble and Words with Friends, and more recently enjoy Wordle and Spelling Bee. I play these games at a high level, and feel no need for improvement, so I will just play them for pleasure.

Overall, I have concluded that for this upcoming year, making irresolutions may be most suitable for me.  But I’m not yet ready to make a resolution about that.

Senior Dating Advice

I am not on the dating market, as my husband Doug and I have been married for 44 years and hopefully will be together for years to come. However, in my observations of seniors I have become aware of some Do’s and Don’ts for those wishing to date. This may occur for seniors who are widowed, divorced, or never married. With the many on-line dating sites, opportunities for seniors who wish to date have never been greater.

Some dating tips for seniors are commonly known, and are similar to those given to younger people looking to date. For example, on a first date with someone you meet online, it’s best to meet in public. I assume this is in case the date may be offensive or even appear potentially violent. This is probably rare, but nonetheless the precaution makes sense and allows for an easy exit. Other advice for meeting new people suggests you try to balance the talking:listening time ratio and wear clothes that are stylish but not too loud or revealing (unless that’s what you want to convey). Also, if you are creating a profile for on-line dating, post a picture that is fairly recent – it’s not likely to turn out well if your potential date is expecting to find someone in their 40s, and although you are still quite attractive, it’s obvious that you have been on Social Security benefits for many years. Generally, truthfulness in your on-line profile, regardless of age, is best.

Traditional ways of meeting, through family, friends, and casual activities in the neighborhood, do still occur, and are preferred by many seniors. It’s helpful to be open to others you may meet, and not as judgmental about superficialities like clothes and looks as you may have been in the past. This applies to potential romantic dates as well as for others you meet, who are potential acquaintances or friends.

There is additional advice, not often discussed, that can be helpful for seniors who are looking for that special someone.

Meeting people while doing daily errands can be quite exciting and even romantic.  When shopping, this requires being somewhat discreet about some of your purchases, as you never know when you might encounter someone you are interested in.  For example, if you are buying Depends, make sure you bring a bag big enough to conceal what is in the package, as some stores do not have bags big enough to enclose this item, especially if you are purchasing supplies for several weeks. The same principle applies to such purchases as Fixodent, anti-gas medications, and the like – although in these cases, the store bag is likely to suffice.

In initial meetings or on-line introductory conversations, convey modesty. Spending extensive time talking about your many accomplishments and awards, while impressive, may not lead to further contacts. The potential date may think you are a narcissist and will want to avoid meeting you again, or may feel overwhelmed by how impressive you are, and believe they are unworthy to initiate a relationship. Similarly, other topics that are appropriate for later “getting to know you” conversations, but that should only be briefly discussed at the outset, include: the many accomplishments of your children, the brilliance of your grandchildren, and details about the many family cruises you have taken. These can all be mentioned, but detailed information should probably best be kept until the relationship is underway. The same caution applies to detailed descriptions of your health problems (sometimes known as an organ recital), your surgical operations, or the unpleasant side effects you experienced from medications.

Initial conversations, as they are exploratory, should best focus on potential areas of mutual interest, such as movies and books enjoyed, preferred cuisines, the type of work you did and the activities you enjoy in retirement. Current news is also appropriate to discuss, but you may want to tread carefully around topics of current politics until you know your date’s inclinations. This applies even if you have been a life-long adherent to a particular political belief or party. And if their closely held beliefs are different than yours, efforts to educate them or change their views are not likely to be successful, certainly not early in the relationship, and perhaps never. Actually, if your political beliefs are very important to you, it may be best to identify these differences within the first few meetings, as you may decide this is not a relationship you want to develop. 

If you meet for lunch or dinner, some other guidelines to follow are: Don’t order the cheapest item on the menu (he/she may think you are tight with money), and don’t order the most expensive (it may seem you are a spendthrift or are trying to impress them). And each participant should pay for their own menu choices. You may have been raised at a time when the male partner was expected to pay any dating costs, but those times are gone. Also, if your dentures get loose and need to be affixed to your gums during the meal, excuse yourself and do this in the bathroom. You may believe you can surreptitiously take care of this need while holding a napkin in front of your mouth, but it is likely that your date will know what is going on. They may understand this need, and in fact have it themselves, but still feel that courtesy requires you to excuse yourself from the table.

Bring your aids with you on your dates- be it hearing aids, glasses, cane, walker, wheelchair, etc. I assume you need them to hear and see well, and to move around safely, so don’t leave them home. You might mention before meeting that you have a leg/hip/other problem, and are using a cane/walker/wheelchair to facilitate your movement, so that they won’t be surprised when meeting you for the first time. This may also encourage them to share any similar information about themselves, and a mutually comfortable meeting venue can be agreed upon.

Finally, enjoy yourself! Having the time to meet new people is one of the pleasures of aging. And don’t feel you need to impress anyone. Just be yourself and if you meet people you want to see again, take advantage of the opportunity to enrich your life.

Downsize-Upsize

I have associated the word downsizing with life changes, like a reduction in the number of employees in a business or moving to a smaller home. Both seemed like actions that could lead to reduced costs and greater efficiencies. But the benefits are not always so clear.

Several years ago I moved from a four-bedroom suburban home to a two-bedroom apartment in the city, giving up a finished basement, a formal dining room and a large back yard. The move involved considerable downsizing.

I also gave up a 90-minute commute to work.

But I traded my larger home living space for the sites and conveniences and activities that Manhattan had to offer. I definitely saw it as upsizing (though I miss the closets).

I also acquired about two hours in every day when I was not commuting on a bus. Definitely upsizing there too.

As I age I am finding more up/down sizing happening in my life. Some don’t involve much of a change, but for others, the outcome has been mixed.  

Getting shorter is a literal experience of downsizing. I was surprised recently when my doctor told me I was 5’2 “, which meant I lost over two inches from my adult height. But I don’t mind – it makes my grandchildren seem even more mature and older when they are next to me. Also, I had always liked having a husband who was just a few inches taller than me, and this difference has remained – he has lost about three inches too. 

I recently gave up a parking space I paid for in my building, and am selling my car.  Neither my husband nor I drive anymore, and there are lots of public transportation services available in Manhattan, including buses, taxis and other ride-hailing services. We have mixed feelings about giving up our car- it provided some sense of independence and freedom, to go anywhere.  But we no longer have the expenses of parking and car insurance. I’m not sure if this is up- or down-sizing.

And what about the memory losses that are a normal part of aging? Is this loss another aspect of downsizing? We recently bought my husband a new computer, going from 4GB to 16GB of memory. At first I thought it would be great if I could also quadruple the memory in my brain. Then maybe I could remember everything. But while remembering all the joyous times would be wonderful, being able to forget past hurts and angers can be comforting and reduce stress. This is one example of downsizing where I would want to carefully pick and choose what I am taking with me. 

My retirement from work several years ago involved downsizing, and initially reduced my daily sense of accomplishment and purpose. But having time for other activities I enjoy, doing volunteer work with immigrants, and coming into a post-COVID time of greater engagement in life, has been an extensive and positive upsizing. But being more at home during COVID times led to some personal upsizing – in my weight! That’s one area where I want to change direction and will be downsizing for sure.   

So what have I learned from sizing up (ouch!) these changes? Size doesn’t matter. I am likely to experience expansions and reductions throughout my life, and this will apply to many things, including my possessions, activities, and weight. But taking charge of what is happening, to influence the direction and its contents, is the challenge.

Comforts of Life

As I get older, I am more aware of my “comfort objects.” These are items that I am familiar with and that I know I like. They help me feel relaxed and calm, as if my needs, and any hurts, are being taken care of.  I find that just their presence is comforting, providing solace if anything upsetting is happening in my life.

Certain foods provide examples of these. Like having Rice Krispies cereal with raisins for breakfast or a hot dog on a bun, with mustard and sauerkraut, for lunch.  How plebeian, non-gourmet and somewhat unhealthy these are! They make me feel a little guilty because I know, and generally eat, better choices. But there is something about these foods that are tied to pleasure for me from childhood. Perhaps because when my harsh, non-demonstrative mother went food shopping, she infrequently brought me home a hot dog for lunch. I liked the taste and I saw it as a much sought-after expression of her love. It also helped me feel closer to her, and more forgiving. And it still brings me comfort.

For my husband, Doug, a grilled cheese sandwich served with a cup of tomato soup fills the same niche. When he is tired or after a challenging morning, this lunch comforts and soothes him. He remembers this as a favorite when he was growing up, and perhaps he too associates it with maternal love as well as nourishment. 

But it’s not just foods that are comfort objects. Doug and I also have our comfort TV shows. We like reruns of Law and Order, especially the earlier episodes… the familiarity of the plots, the characters, and the music, can all give comfort. And when Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach) makes a sarcastic remark about a suspected criminal or Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston) makes a self-righteous speech about ethical issues, it makes me feel like there is goodness and justice in the world.  Marathons of this show mean that we can watch several episodes in a row, lulling us into a state of stupor, where the day’s unpleasantries can be briefly forgotten. Doug also likes NCIS reruns, and I can find comfort in a Mets baseball game. Fortunately we have two TVs, so when needed, we can engage in our own pleasures.  

Clothes too are comfort objects for me. As a professional I often wore suits to work, always wore nylon stockings, and often wore heels, all clothes that I found somewhat constricting. Since retiring  I never wear suits, and stockings and heels only come out for special events like weddings. I still dress what may be called business casual or smart casual when I am out of the house, but when I am home, a comfortable polo shirt, sweatpants, and a hoodie when it’s cool, are my favorites.  I love the feel of the soft clothes on my body, with no restraints on my movements. Although these items are called activewear, and sometimes I wear them to the gym, I mostly wear them when I am not at all active, and just spending the day at home.

My conclusion – Comfort objects are available in many areas of my life. Although exploring new experiences, including new foods, TV shows, and fashions, are nice to do, sometimes familiar comforts are what’s needed.