Memories: Remembered and Forgotten

Memory loss is a natural part of aging, and for most people it starts in the 50s. When I think of happy or pleasurable times in the past- whether with family, friends, or at work- I feel suffused with warmth and a sense of gratitude. Being able to talk about the memories with those who were present when the events occurred is an additional source of pleasure, but I can still enjoy them even if the others who were participants remember nothing.

Many wonderful memories were built upon my life with my husband and children. We went on cruises together and had many family get-togethers, but it’s some snippets of events that have stayed with me most clearly. Like the time when my son was in a preschool, at 4 years old, and was in a Christmas play.  I don’t remember the name of the show or even the plot, but I remember him on the stage, wearing a red and blue snowsuit and hat. He was using a little broom to, symbolically and purposefully, sweep away the little girls from his preschool who were also on stage, dressed as snowflakes in white sparkling tutus. It is as though it happened last month, not almost 40 years ago. And it has been seared and sealed into my memory, forever. My son doesn’t remember.

My sister has Alzheimer’s disease. When I last visited her, a few months ago, we spent some time together mostly speaking Yiddish, the language we both learned as children, when our Bubba (grandmother) lived with our family. We talked about many things, including our parents, our children and the weather. I was careful to never mention her current situation or her plans or the recent death of her husband of 60 plus years, which she doesn’t remember.  She still corrects my Yiddish (she had some formal schooling in Yiddish and I never did), and we laughed a lot as I struggled to make myself understood. After I left I called to let her know I was home, and she had no memory that I was there and asked “when will you come visit me?”  My sadness about this was quickly replaced by reminding myself of the pleasure we both had when we were together, and I savored the time as I recalled our conversation. But she remembered nothing.

I recently went to see my 18-months-old grandson. He lives four hours away, so visits are not very frequent. We spent an afternoon together alone, as his parents were working. We played with many toys, including a big bag of Lego blocks that to my surprise he noisily turned upside down to empty, and then put them all back in, one by one. When he finished, he kicked his feet up and down while sitting on the floor, loudly repeating “yay,” happily congratulating himself. He clearly enjoyed this process more than any building potential of the blocks. It was a late winter day warmed by bright sunshine, so we then took a walk together outdoors. When he got tired- I had forgotten that his feet were so much shorter than mine- he simply sat down in the street, looking around for something to do. He was eager to be picked up and I carried him home. During that afternoon I felt our tie to each other had strengthened, and I enjoyed telling his parents about my time with their happy, curious child. Grandma will always remember that afternoon. I doubt he will.

The idea that All we have is now, right now, not the past nor the future, so enjoy it… has been said in different ways by many authors.  It’s true, but it doesn’t just apply to actual events. Their memory can be stored, taken out at will, even if no one else who was there remembers. And it can be brought out and enjoyed over and over again… for that too I am grateful.

Gender Differences Part II: Observations on Behaviors

In a previous blog entry, I wrote about gender differences in sensory capacities- vision and hearing. I knew it would be the first of several entries, because there are gender differences in other areas too, like some behaviors at home and on the road:

Finding abilities

Stories about primitive societies refer to gender differences in the roles of hunters and gatherers. Men were seen as the hunters of animals, and women as the foragers or gatherers- finding local plants and berries. There has been some debate as to how rigid these gender differences were. However, based on my experiences, and on what other women have told me, these role differences continue into current times.

Men have difficulty finding things in the house, even in confined places, like the refrigerator. For example, when my husband is looking for something in the refrigerator, he often can’t find it, and calls on me for assistance.  I can readily locate it in front on the shelf, or I can see it behind another item. I have heard of this difficulty in finding things in the refrigerator as having “man eyes.” And women have told me that this condition extends to other items in the house, like an inability to find reading glasses, the TV remote, and keys. In many homes, the woman is the designated “finder.”

Behaviors while driving

Many explanations have been proposed for the consistent reports that men are less willing to ask for directions when driving. There appear to be several reasons for this: some men may feel it’s more important to show their independence, and they like to problem-solve, whereas women may be more social and goal-oriented. But what I don’t understand is how some men use the GPS in their cars. They may be very willing to use this driving aid, but they are more likely to disagree with the directions provided and follow what they believe to be a better route. I, on the other hand, am very glad that I am being given exact instructions about how to get somewhere and eagerly follow the directions given.

Also, although I think that men and women are similar in driving abilities, why is it that when men drive the *&^%$# drivers all come out? Perhaps it’s something hormonal that attracts bad drivers to them. And when I take an Uber or a taxi, I am happy sitting in the back seat and relaxing, and thinking about my plans for where I am going. But men are more likely to stay on alert when in a car driven by someone else. They watch the traffic and sometimes make suggestions to the driver. Perhaps they are afraid that the *&^%$# drivers will find them.

I am certain that there are men who can easily find things in the refrigerator and women who can’t, and there are women who ignore GPS instructions. Identifying these differences with one’s partner may be helpful in dividing up daily tasks, so that common goals can be more happily reached- most of the time.   

Youthful and Useful: Changes in Meaning Over Time

I did it! After having my hair colored for many years, I am letting my gray hair grow in. When a few gray hairs showed up near my temples, I thought it looked attractive, and contrasted nicely with my dark brown hair. My friend said it looked like the gray was providing a partial frame around my face. That seemed fine to me. But now it’s about 3 months into not coloring my hair, and the gray frame has widened and now accounts for about half my hair length.

I’m not sure how I feel about this yet, this obvious sign of being a senior. When a friend reminded me that I could go back to coloring my hair, I felt a little relieved. This didn’t have to be permanent. And it’s a nice color, silver gray. Besides, I think it’s a more natural accompaniment for the lines that are showing up in my face than was my prior solid dark brown dyed hair.

On a recent video call with my daughter she said she liked the gray in my hair, and that I looked “youthful.” I wasn’t sure I liked that description – was it in contrast to looking old? I looked up the definition of “youth,” and found that for statistical purposes it is considered to be the age between 15 and 24. So does that mean that starting at 25 you can be described as looking “youthful?” Since I am well past that marker… I don’t need to look that young anymore. Most days I feel energetic and engaged in life – so I’m OK looking more like my current age.

Also, I initially misheard what my daughter said and thought she said I looked “useful.” Although I immediately realized what she meant, I was struck by the two terms, “youthful” and “useful.” I think these two adjectives form an essential dilemma of aging—many older people worry about being both of these. But when I looked up useful, I wasn’t sure I wanted to fit that meaning anymore either!

“Useful” is defined as being of practical purpose, that is, relating to action rather than thoughts or ideas. I was very practical throughout most of my life, I had a successful career with many accomplishments as a research scientist, and I managed a household with children. Since retiring I sometimes worry that I have lost a sense of purpose. Yet even in my career, my daily life was heavily weighted towards thoughts and ideas. Certainly some of my work could eventually have practical application, but the connection was often delayed and not certain. Since retiring I live much more in the world of thoughts and ideas— reading, writing, visiting interesting places and people. Not much of this can be considered practical or useful, but it has enriched my life.

So, although being youthful and useful have appealed to me in the past, the meanings of these words have changed, and now they’re not so important.  I can just look my age. And living more in the world of ideas gives me something that I can share with others, and that can be useful for us all.

Testing: From Birth to COVID

The Apgar test for newborns wasn’t developed until after I was born. I’m sure if it were in use at that time, I would have worried that I might not do well.

I always worried about how I would do on tests. Throughout my school career I studied hard, often cramming the night before an important exam. And I generally did very well … but that never reduced my anxiety about the next test. I scored high on achievement and IQ tests taken in the 4th grade and since the school had no programming for “gifted” children, this led to my skipping a whole grade. This was probably not the best thing for my emotional development, since I was now in a class where I didn’t know anyone, and all the other students were older than me.  I learned that doing well on tests would not necessarily put me in a place where I was happier.

As I moved along in my school career, tests started having greater importance. Achievement tests determined that I got into a Special Progress class in junior high school, meaning that I did the three years, 7th-9th grades, in only two (skipping another year!). A little later, the SAT score influenced my college admission and the GRE was needed for graduate school.  I prepared and did well on these tests, even with the angst that surrounded them for me. I looked forward to a time when I would no longer have to take tests.

But other types of tests played important roles in my academic career. A Spanish language placement test determined which language class I would take in my college freshman year. I was ambivalent about how well I wanted to do on this one; in addition to my general need to do as well as I could on any test, I knew that if I did really well, I might be in a class with students who I couldn’t keep up with. As it turned out, I scored well on this test and was placed in a class focusing on Spanish literature, including reading Cervantes’ Don Quixote in Spanish. Too bad- I think an advanced Spanish conversation class would have been more useful. This was another time that doing well may not have gotten me the best outcome.

Throughout my student years I had various kinds of written tests- multiple choice, fill-in, true/false, essay, open-book and take home. I preferred multiple choice as I could often recognize the correct answer to difficult questions, and I usually knew how well I did by the end of the exam. My most important oral test was my dissertation defense. I was so well-prepared for that one, once it was over I felt I wanted them to ask me more questions. I knew I would likely never again be called upon to draw on that knowledge. It was the only time I ever wanted the testing to continue.

And there have been other kinds of tests I became familiar with. I needed to take a licensure test to get my driving license- written and road tests. I studied and prepared for these, but the angst was minimal, as I knew I could simply take them again if needed. And when I sought counseling, I was given psychological tests, including personality tests and even a projective test.  As a behavioral research scientist I also administered tests to study participants, including attitude tests and scales to measure psychological status. These were all helpful in trying to understand participants’ behaviors and views. It seemed that tests were part of my everyday life.

When I became pregnant, a new set of tests were needed after the actual pregnancy test. There was amniocentesis for genetic defects, ultrasound to help monitor the pregnancy and frequent blood tests to screen for potential conditions harmful to the fetus. In addition, since my husband and I are both Ashkenazi Jews, we were tested for Tay Sachs, as we were at higher risk for this genetic disease. Although this is now detected through a blood test, at that time the test required the collection of tears. These pregnancy/fetal tests all raised new concerns, especially since I had no control over the outcomes. There was no way to study or prepare to have a good outcome and the potential impact was not just for me- it could have profound impact on the child I was carrying and my family.

As I got older and began having an annual physical, other kinds of testing became important in my life – diagnostic tests to identify any health problems. These included regular blood tests and procedures such as mammograms.

I am now reaching the age where some of this testing is no longer recommended.  As I have no family history of cancer- mammograms, colonoscopy and pap smears are not considered necessary for my age group. I think this is because if these cancers are first detected later in life, chances are they will progress slowly and are not likely to be fatal. In other words, I am likely to die of something else and the benefits of testing no longer outweigh the risks.

So, although vision and hearing tests continue as I age, since acuity of these senses have begun to decline, I thought my testing needs were diminishing. But I was wrong. First – any testing now seems to involve referral for further testing or assessment. Vision testing led to the need to evaluate me for cataract surgery, and blood testing identified the need for monitoring my cholesterol and for treatment of a rare bone condition (Paget’s disease). It’s clear that my testing days will continue.  And COVID has introduced a whole new level of testing needs. The recommendations and requirements for COVID testing mean that I now test before and after going on plane trips and prior to doctors’ appointment. The recent surge in COVID omicron variant infections has led to requests for testing prior to going to events with family and friends. I even keep a stash of home testing kits for easy access.

I have concluded that there are several major categories of testing: for academic and achievement-related aspects of life it is a way of bringing some objectivity to assessments and can assist in progress; for health purposes it can help in diagnosis and to monitor the impact of treatment; and for aging folks it can provide early identification of declining health needs. And as for COVID testing – at least for now – it appears to have become a unique category: on a population level it provides a tool to monitor the overall progression of the pandemic, and on the individual level, it can help identify when to isolate and when it is safe to be with others.  

My anxiety about tests has finally declined. I am glad that I no longer have to take tests to provide measures and judgments of my competence, as they did in school. Nor do I have to study or even do all-nighters for the tests I now take. And I am grateful that many of the tests I take exist, as they can provide important information about my health.  But sometimes I feel annoyed at the frequency needed and the number of appointments to be made. I guess I get a little testy.

Props for a Closing Window

I started thinking about aging when I was in my 50s. What would I do once my children left home? How would I spend my time when I stopped working full time and my career ended? What would provide meaning in my life? I didn’t worry too much about it then because my life was full with family and work, and I believed I had lots of time left. “Aging” seemed far off.

I have reached that stage. My children left home many years ago and both are happily married and in careers they find fulfilling.  Over two years ago I retired from a successful career as a research scientist. I am financially stable, and my husband and I are generally healthy. Lucky for us on both these counts.

Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? So what’s my dilemma?

I find myself thinking about what’s to be done with the time remaining. I now see my lifetime as having been an open window, that is now slowly inching down as the months and years go by. How do I prop up the window to keep it open longer, or slow the rate of closing? With the persistent COVID pandemic about to enter its third year, my concerns about how much space is left as the window closes have increased. Now that 2021 is coming to an end, it seems a particularly good time to see what props for keeping the window open I can bring to the new year.

  • In an earlier blog post, I wrote about the concept of “successful aging.” This consists of three components: avoid disease, function at a high level (cognitively and physically), and be actively engaged in life. I have been working at all of these. I have learned that keeping the window open is not just about doing certain things, it’s also about not doing things that are likely to accelerate the window’s closing.  So I moderate my food and alcohol intake, and avoid or not get too stressed with people or events that give me angst.
  • Improve my life by appreciating what I have. Although a trite sentiment, this has truth for me. I see it like window cleaning… it won’t change the view, or even impact how long I can keep the window open, but it’s nice to have a clear view out, even while the window is coming down. And I enjoy my view. In addition to family, friends, and the activities I love, I can see sky, river, lights in the distance, and feel the immensity of the world. Sometimes I even forget about the descending horizontal strip at the bottom of the window frame.
  • Don’t worry about the time passing… the years will accumulate and bring their consequences. Paying attention to components of successful aging, and encouraging my friends to do so, can keep us all well longer.
  • Use my experience and empathy to support and encourage family, friends, and others I care about, to help them in their lives. This adds meaning to my life, and may even help them keep their windows open a little longer.
  • Continue to try new things. Exploring new interests and people will bring new light into the window. My life has been filled with lots of scheduling of my time, and certainty about some beliefs… time to venture out.  

So my conclusion for my dilemma is to use multiple props to keep the window open, and to sometimes even stick my head out. Perhaps I can keep it open a little longer… or even nudge it up a bit. I might even give a call out to others who I see trying to keep their windows up too, and learn from their props.

The Time of My Life

As a verbophile, a person who loves words, I often enjoy thinking about words or expressions with multiple meanings.  There are some expressions that change in meaning as I get older.

The time of my life is a phrase that I think a lot about now. I am in the time of my life where I can look back on phases that are completed, and am fortunate that I can make choices in doing things I like. But the other meaning of the phrase, as conveyed in having the time of my life, has become more important to me. I like that meaning and it is one that I now seek out. I want to enjoy myself. As my readers know, this includes things like writing essays, making contact with family and friends, reading a good book, or going to a museum. And planning other pleasures that I would like.

Another expression that has evolved in meaning for me is free time. When I was younger and busy with work and children, having  free time was sought after- it was time when I wasn’t required to be or do anything in particular. Relaxing with family was often what I would do at those times and I looked forward to having more of it later in life. Now I realize that my free time is not actually free, it is spent when I use it, and its availability diminishes.

I’ll do it later is a phrase with multiple meanings, especially the “later” part. And I think there are gender differences.  When I decide to do something later, if it’s a household task (like doing dishes) I usually do it within the hour, if it’s calling back a friend it might be within a day or two, but if it’s cleaning out a closet—it’s usually within a month, or maybe months later. When I ask my husband to do some household task—like throw out garbage, make the bed, etc.— and he says OK, I’ll do it later, I have learned that this is not likely to be within the next hour; it may be any time later that day or even the next day (in which case the request to make the bed becomes moot).I know the word has even broader meanings for others too; I had a girlfriend who enjoyed herself on a blind date that ended with his declaration that I will call you later. After a year had passed with no efforts at contact… I guess he really meant much much later, or maybe never.  

Let’s meet for coffee is another phrase with meanings that have changed over time. When I was working, it usually meant having coffee or tea to discuss some office or work matter. These days, it has little to do with drinking coffee.It might mean let’s meet, I have a problem to discuss, or we haven’t seen each other in a while, let’s get together and reconnect. Since I rarely drink coffee or tea anymore, for me it means an opportunity to see a friend, and likely we will have a bowl of soup, or an alcoholic beverage. We rarely have coffee.

When setting a time to meet with a friend I often tell them I can meet but not too late. When I was younger, not too late meant I could meet them until about 10PM, and if we couldn’t get together in person but wanted to talk, it meant that they could call before midnight, my usual bedtime. Now when I make arrangements with others, not too late means we can meet no later than 7 or 8, and they can call until 10. It’s not that I am asleep by then, I just know I am less able to provide the level of attention that I’d like to have.

So what do these changes in meanings of words signify? Most of them indicate that I am becoming more aware of time and how I use it. And I need to keep in mind that having the time of my life is my goal.

Postponement Strategies

During my 50 year+ career, I was always task-oriented, whether there was a project at work to finish, or household chores to do. Time seemed, and was, very limited. There were always multiple tasks waiting to be done, so I worked hard to get each one completed as best and as quickly as I could.  Now that I have been retired for over two years, I see that my “get it done” philosophy is starting to wane. While this change serves to reduce daily stress and the pressures of working under constant deadlines, I am finding that I don’t like it. When I was working I readily postponed certain activities because there was no time for them. Now I simply postpone them.  I do many worthwhile activities that I didn’t have much time for when I was working- reading a book for pleasure, visiting a museum, calling a friend or family member, watching a movie- but what about those things I had on my to-do lists for all those years that I now have time for? They are still getting postponed and my postponement strategies seem to be growing. Here are some examples:

Things that I am postponing

  • Cleaning out my closets: I know there are things there I don’t wear anymore, and that could be donated where they might be helpful to others.
  • Going through my file cabinets: There are papers that I just kept so as to clear them off my desk, to look at later. Later has arrived, but I didn’t know what to do with those papers before, and I still don’t.
  • Registering for and taking a Spanish conversation class: I always wanted to improve my speaking of Spanish, and shortly after retirement I enrolled in a conversational Spanish class and enjoyed it. The class ended with COVID but I still haven’t enrolled in another course.  
  • Calling some people that I should talk with, including family and friends: Maybe I don’t really want to speak with them, and postponement of this was not just because of a shortage of time.
  • Writing essays on a regular basis: Although I write for my monthly writers’ workshop I postpone doing it until shortly before class each month.
  • Starting and sticking to a serious diet: There are some popular intermittent fasting diets – eat five days and starve for two, or eat eight hours in a day and starve for 16. These sound feasible, but I get stopped by the starving part, so am putting this off too.

Strategies I use to postpone and what I tell myself

  • I’m ready to do a task but I realize I haven’t eaten for a while – it’s time for a snack.
  •  I just finished creating my to-do list for the week- it seems overwhelming, and I need a break.
  •  I’ll do just one more game of “Words with Friends.”
  • I should turn on the news and see if anything important is happening.
  •  Wow- look at my nails, I didn’t notice those cracks, and before I start anything I should file them down a bit and some nail polish would look nice too.
  • I’m tired… maybe a little nap, and then I will jump right in.
  • I haven’t been out of the house yet today… I’ll just go for a little walk.
  • Writing more regularly… I can’t think of anything to write about right now… maybe later.
  • And as for going on that diet, maybe I will start about two months before that big wedding… that should be a long enough time.

I have learned two main lessons from my postponement strategies: First, I need to look at my commitment to the item being postponed. If I feel no commitment to it and it’s not urgent, then I need to either cross it off the list of things I should do or I put it on my “long-term delay” list.  Second- If I still have commitment to the task, just do it!

Shedding

I always associated shedding with something animals did, like snakes shedding their skin, or dogs shedding hair. I haven’t thought about it for humans until recently, when I became aware of my own shedding activities—the involuntary and the voluntary.                  

The first to show up was hair loss. Since I always had thick hair, it wasn’t something I noticed until I reached my 70s, although it probably started well before then. First I tried products to increase hair growth, like viviscal, that contains vitamins. It worked for a while but then seemed to stop. Finding multiple strands of my dark hair on my white tiled bathroom floor daily led me to consult with my dermatologist, who recommended something that prevents hair from shedding, another attack route. I recently started a medication for that, I hope it’s effective. In any case, I’ll try to reduce this kind of shedding.

 I retired about two years ago, and I now believe that I must start shedding some of the clothes I have that I wore to the office. Twice a year I rotate my wardrobe, switching warm-and cold-weather clothes between my main and storage closets. In the past I have used this as an opportunity to select items to donate or discard. I generally kept most of what was there from the prior year, buying some new items throughout the upcoming season. But since retiring and continuing this rotation, I learned that there are suits, blouses and heeled shoes I no longer wear, they have been replaced with comfortable pants and tops, and low-heeled shoes and sneakers.  It’s time to shed those items I don’t wear and make room for things that are more useful to me.

I recently read that when snakes grow, their skin does not, so they have to shed their outer layer of skin to permit further growth and a new layer of skin emerges. This usually occurs two-four times per year, although younger snakes, due to higher growth rates, generally shed their skin more often. Their old skin is simply no longer a good fit. And neither are some of my clothes!

I can address the shedding of tangible items by reducing the amount lost, like using hair products that prevent balding, and keeping clothes for another year. Replacement is another way to impact shedding —for hair I can use products to increase hair growth or even buy a hair piece, and if I get rid of clothes I can simply buy new ones, even replacing those that I miss with similar items. These may involve some costs, but are all doable strategies.

But I have found that the process of shedding long-held ideas and concepts about myself is harder to accomplish. In past years I thought of myself as a superwoman of sorts, and readily undertook multiple activities simultaneously, including caring for my family and managing a busy career. Now retired and with grown children, many of these activities are no longer needed, and I have had to shed the idea of having limitless energy. I am replacing this with a new concept of myself—someone with more time, and with roles and capacities that didn’t seem possible before. I can plan activities I enjoy, like reading, going to the gym, and writing for my blog, without having to wedge them into an otherwise very busy day (although that sometimes still happens). And now I can spend more time with family or friends, developing greater intimacy by drawing on my life’s experiences and wisdom to help nurture and support them, and learn from them as well.  Perhaps this shedding is really trading many of my former activities for new ones, and I am creating a differently composed superwoman.

And perhaps, as it is for snakes, shedding is a good thing for me. It lets me acquire and do new things, and provides space for continued growth in the years ahead.

Gender Differences: Some Observations About Sensory Capacities

After more than forty years of marriage, I have concluded that there are differences between men and women in their sensory capacities.

Visual field perception

Research has found that men outperform women on spatial tasks, like visualizing how a 3-D object would appear if it were rotated in space. But there are other spatial tasks, where women out-perform men, that are rarely assessed. Perception of objects in the visual field is one of them. We have a place in our apartment near the entrance hall where I place garbage to be thrown out when we leave the house. I always see it when I leave the apartment and take it with me. My husband never sees it.  If I point it out as he leaves, he will gladly take it with him. Similarly, when we are cleaning up our home in expectation of visitors and I ask him to clean off the dining table of his papers, he often misses some. I have learned that if I want the table totally cleaned off, I will do a second scan after he finishes, and remove any remaining papers.  Some research has found that women have wider peripheral vision than men, so I have come to peace with these differences and realize that change would be difficult to achieve. He simply doesn’t see what I see.

Auditory acuity

Like most people with a telephone land line, we often get spam calls and do not answer the phone unless the phone screen shows that it is someone we want to speak with. The calls usually start soon after 9 in the morning. If my husband is sleeping, he doesn’t hear the phone.  I am usually up at that time, so I hear these calls. But even when I take a nap during the day, when the phone rings, it immediately wakes me. This reminds me of my experiences when our children were babies. My husband was willing to participate in childcare, but he rarely heard the cries of the children during the night. When I asked about this the next morning, he reported that he heard nothing. I suppose I could have awakened him and gone back to sleep, but since I was already awake, I just took care of it myself.  And perhaps, like differences in vision, this too is due to brain differences; some research has shown that women have greater hearing sensitivity at high frequencies. But I have finally figured out how to address this difference, since hearing something, and then responding to the need presented, can be seen as two separate activities. So now if I hear sounds during the night, I simply wake him to investigate the cause.

Multi-tasking ability

I am better at multi-tasking than my husband. While not a sensory ability, this gender difference often relates to household perceptions and behaviors. For example, I can do concurrent activities, like empty the dishwasher of newly cleaned dishes while I am preparing dinner, or empty the laundry basket of clean clothes and put them away when I am watching TV. And when I go out to do errands, I often do several during the same trip – I can do the food shopping, stop at the bank, and go to the pharmacy. When my husband does errands, he usually goes out with a singular mission. Recent research has shown that women are not better than men at multi-tasking (either concurrent or sequential), they simply take on more household responsibilities. Hmmm, this difference may still have some potential for modification of responsibilities and behaviors.

I know that many of these differences are not hard-wired, and not gender-tied; some men are very good multi-taskers, and some women may not hear an infant’s cries during the night. But I am still learning that being aware of these differences, and dividing up tasks at home that are best suited for each of us, can ensure that they all get done… most of the time… eventually.

Still Among the Youngest

I never liked being the youngest of three children, with a brother four and a half years older and a sister eleven years older. As the youngest child, I always felt a bit of an outsider and I couldn’t do many of the fun things my older siblings were allowed to do. Also, I skipped the 4th grade, and completed three years of junior high school in two (7th-9th grades), so I was younger than my schoolmates. I didn’t have any trouble with academics, but I was shy, and I wanted to seem older. That’s probably the reason I started smoking when I was about  thirteen, in the 10th grade. I also started wearing make-up in high school, to look older. Nonetheless, I felt uncomfortable with my classmates, especially girls who seemed more mature and who were popular in school, like the cheerleaders for the football team. Overall, I didn’t like being the youngest.

I have had a full life. I obtained post-graduate degrees, have been married for over forty years, gave birth to two children, and retired from a successful research career about two years ago. Through all this, I didn’t think much about my age. Within a few years after college I had caught up with my age peers, and my age relative to others was no longer something I thought much about. Of course I also stayed the youngest among my siblings, but as we all grew older, our age differences became less important.

But now, in my 70s, my relative age seems to matter again. After retiring from work I have become involved with the Senior Network in my apartment complex. We have zoom calls, go to lunch or other activities, and generally are a support for each other when we need someone to talk with. After the COVID lock-down regular Zoom calls between six of us began. We talk weekly, and more recently, after all of us were vaccinated, we again started in-person meetings, lunches, and other outings.

Of the other five women, four are older than me, including three who are in their 80s. Some moved to the apartment complex when it first opened, about fifty years ago, some came with their spouses.  All were active professionals and all are currently retired. As a relative newcomer to the apartment complex when I became involved with this network, I wondered why I was hanging out with these old people. Then I realized I am one of them. They are all active, have no major physical problems, and we have fun together. So now again in my life I am aware of myself as one of the youngest — but this time I like it.  It’s not just because being younger means I may have more years in my future—although this no doubt is a possibility— it’s also because being with these older friends has led me to view aging more positively. They enjoy life, laugh easily, share their concerns and advice open-heartedly and are compassionate. They have shown me that getting older is something I can look forward to.

And I do things to look and feel younger. I still wear make-up every day, but now because I think it helps me look younger. I go to the hair salon about every 5-6 weeks to get my hair dyed. I go to the health club and exercise to strengthen my muscles and joints, and because I feel good when I’m done. I also have stopped smoking. And I seek out activities I enjoy, such as visiting museums and explorations of new neighborhoods and sites in NYC. They all contribute to helping me feel younger and eager for yet more new experiences.

But I know that my status as one of the youngest is eroding.  

My sister has Alzheimer’s disease and is declining, and my brother died over twenty years ago, at 61, from a stroke. So while I still have an older sibling, I am losing ground in the status of being the youngest. I expect that my Senior Network group will stay together for many years to come. But with new members joining, and time passing, I am likely to become among the oldest in the future. I certainly hope so.