Props for a Closing Window

I started thinking about aging when I was in my 50s. What would I do once my children left home? How would I spend my time when I stopped working full time and my career ended? What would provide meaning in my life? I didn’t worry too much about it then because my life was full with family and work, and I believed I had lots of time left. “Aging” seemed far off.

I have reached that stage. My children left home many years ago and both are happily married and in careers they find fulfilling.  Over two years ago I retired from a successful career as a research scientist. I am financially stable, and my husband and I are generally healthy. Lucky for us on both these counts.

Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? So what’s my dilemma?

I find myself thinking about what’s to be done with the time remaining. I now see my lifetime as having been an open window, that is now slowly inching down as the months and years go by. How do I prop up the window to keep it open longer, or slow the rate of closing? With the persistent COVID pandemic about to enter its third year, my concerns about how much space is left as the window closes have increased. Now that 2021 is coming to an end, it seems a particularly good time to see what props for keeping the window open I can bring to the new year.

  • In an earlier blog post, I wrote about the concept of “successful aging.” This consists of three components: avoid disease, function at a high level (cognitively and physically), and be actively engaged in life. I have been working at all of these. I have learned that keeping the window open is not just about doing certain things, it’s also about not doing things that are likely to accelerate the window’s closing.  So I moderate my food and alcohol intake, and avoid or not get too stressed with people or events that give me angst.
  • Improve my life by appreciating what I have. Although a trite sentiment, this has truth for me. I see it like window cleaning… it won’t change the view, or even impact how long I can keep the window open, but it’s nice to have a clear view out, even while the window is coming down. And I enjoy my view. In addition to family, friends, and the activities I love, I can see sky, river, lights in the distance, and feel the immensity of the world. Sometimes I even forget about the descending horizontal strip at the bottom of the window frame.
  • Don’t worry about the time passing… the years will accumulate and bring their consequences. Paying attention to components of successful aging, and encouraging my friends to do so, can keep us all well longer.
  • Use my experience and empathy to support and encourage family, friends, and others I care about, to help them in their lives. This adds meaning to my life, and may even help them keep their windows open a little longer.
  • Continue to try new things. Exploring new interests and people will bring new light into the window. My life has been filled with lots of scheduling of my time, and certainty about some beliefs… time to venture out.  

So my conclusion for my dilemma is to use multiple props to keep the window open, and to sometimes even stick my head out. Perhaps I can keep it open a little longer… or even nudge it up a bit. I might even give a call out to others who I see trying to keep their windows up too, and learn from their props.

The Time of My Life

As a verbophile, a person who loves words, I often enjoy thinking about words or expressions with multiple meanings.  There are some expressions that change in meaning as I get older.

The time of my life is a phrase that I think a lot about now. I am in the time of my life where I can look back on phases that are completed, and am fortunate that I can make choices in doing things I like. But the other meaning of the phrase, as conveyed in having the time of my life, has become more important to me. I like that meaning and it is one that I now seek out. I want to enjoy myself. As my readers know, this includes things like writing essays, making contact with family and friends, reading a good book, or going to a museum. And planning other pleasures that I would like.

Another expression that has evolved in meaning for me is free time. When I was younger and busy with work and children, having  free time was sought after- it was time when I wasn’t required to be or do anything in particular. Relaxing with family was often what I would do at those times and I looked forward to having more of it later in life. Now I realize that my free time is not actually free, it is spent when I use it, and its availability diminishes.

I’ll do it later is a phrase with multiple meanings, especially the “later” part. And I think there are gender differences.  When I decide to do something later, if it’s a household task (like doing dishes) I usually do it within the hour, if it’s calling back a friend it might be within a day or two, but if it’s cleaning out a closet—it’s usually within a month, or maybe months later. When I ask my husband to do some household task—like throw out garbage, make the bed, etc.— and he says OK, I’ll do it later, I have learned that this is not likely to be within the next hour; it may be any time later that day or even the next day (in which case the request to make the bed becomes moot).I know the word has even broader meanings for others too; I had a girlfriend who enjoyed herself on a blind date that ended with his declaration that I will call you later. After a year had passed with no efforts at contact… I guess he really meant much much later, or maybe never.  

Let’s meet for coffee is another phrase with meanings that have changed over time. When I was working, it usually meant having coffee or tea to discuss some office or work matter. These days, it has little to do with drinking coffee.It might mean let’s meet, I have a problem to discuss, or we haven’t seen each other in a while, let’s get together and reconnect. Since I rarely drink coffee or tea anymore, for me it means an opportunity to see a friend, and likely we will have a bowl of soup, or an alcoholic beverage. We rarely have coffee.

When setting a time to meet with a friend I often tell them I can meet but not too late. When I was younger, not too late meant I could meet them until about 10PM, and if we couldn’t get together in person but wanted to talk, it meant that they could call before midnight, my usual bedtime. Now when I make arrangements with others, not too late means we can meet no later than 7 or 8, and they can call until 10. It’s not that I am asleep by then, I just know I am less able to provide the level of attention that I’d like to have.

So what do these changes in meanings of words signify? Most of them indicate that I am becoming more aware of time and how I use it. And I need to keep in mind that having the time of my life is my goal.

Postponement Strategies

During my 50 year+ career, I was always task-oriented, whether there was a project at work to finish, or household chores to do. Time seemed, and was, very limited. There were always multiple tasks waiting to be done, so I worked hard to get each one completed as best and as quickly as I could.  Now that I have been retired for over two years, I see that my “get it done” philosophy is starting to wane. While this change serves to reduce daily stress and the pressures of working under constant deadlines, I am finding that I don’t like it. When I was working I readily postponed certain activities because there was no time for them. Now I simply postpone them.  I do many worthwhile activities that I didn’t have much time for when I was working- reading a book for pleasure, visiting a museum, calling a friend or family member, watching a movie- but what about those things I had on my to-do lists for all those years that I now have time for? They are still getting postponed and my postponement strategies seem to be growing. Here are some examples:

Things that I am postponing

  • Cleaning out my closets: I know there are things there I don’t wear anymore, and that could be donated where they might be helpful to others.
  • Going through my file cabinets: There are papers that I just kept so as to clear them off my desk, to look at later. Later has arrived, but I didn’t know what to do with those papers before, and I still don’t.
  • Registering for and taking a Spanish conversation class: I always wanted to improve my speaking of Spanish, and shortly after retirement I enrolled in a conversational Spanish class and enjoyed it. The class ended with COVID but I still haven’t enrolled in another course.  
  • Calling some people that I should talk with, including family and friends: Maybe I don’t really want to speak with them, and postponement of this was not just because of a shortage of time.
  • Writing essays on a regular basis: Although I write for my monthly writers’ workshop I postpone doing it until shortly before class each month.
  • Starting and sticking to a serious diet: There are some popular intermittent fasting diets – eat five days and starve for two, or eat eight hours in a day and starve for 16. These sound feasible, but I get stopped by the starving part, so am putting this off too.

Strategies I use to postpone and what I tell myself

  • I’m ready to do a task but I realize I haven’t eaten for a while – it’s time for a snack.
  •  I just finished creating my to-do list for the week- it seems overwhelming, and I need a break.
  •  I’ll do just one more game of “Words with Friends.”
  • I should turn on the news and see if anything important is happening.
  •  Wow- look at my nails, I didn’t notice those cracks, and before I start anything I should file them down a bit and some nail polish would look nice too.
  • I’m tired… maybe a little nap, and then I will jump right in.
  • I haven’t been out of the house yet today… I’ll just go for a little walk.
  • Writing more regularly… I can’t think of anything to write about right now… maybe later.
  • And as for going on that diet, maybe I will start about two months before that big wedding… that should be a long enough time.

I have learned two main lessons from my postponement strategies: First, I need to look at my commitment to the item being postponed. If I feel no commitment to it and it’s not urgent, then I need to either cross it off the list of things I should do or I put it on my “long-term delay” list.  Second- If I still have commitment to the task, just do it!

Shedding

I always associated shedding with something animals did, like snakes shedding their skin, or dogs shedding hair. I haven’t thought about it for humans until recently, when I became aware of my own shedding activities—the involuntary and the voluntary.                  

The first to show up was hair loss. Since I always had thick hair, it wasn’t something I noticed until I reached my 70s, although it probably started well before then. First I tried products to increase hair growth, like viviscal, that contains vitamins. It worked for a while but then seemed to stop. Finding multiple strands of my dark hair on my white tiled bathroom floor daily led me to consult with my dermatologist, who recommended something that prevents hair from shedding, another attack route. I recently started a medication for that, I hope it’s effective. In any case, I’ll try to reduce this kind of shedding.

 I retired about two years ago, and I now believe that I must start shedding some of the clothes I have that I wore to the office. Twice a year I rotate my wardrobe, switching warm-and cold-weather clothes between my main and storage closets. In the past I have used this as an opportunity to select items to donate or discard. I generally kept most of what was there from the prior year, buying some new items throughout the upcoming season. But since retiring and continuing this rotation, I learned that there are suits, blouses and heeled shoes I no longer wear, they have been replaced with comfortable pants and tops, and low-heeled shoes and sneakers.  It’s time to shed those items I don’t wear and make room for things that are more useful to me.

I recently read that when snakes grow, their skin does not, so they have to shed their outer layer of skin to permit further growth and a new layer of skin emerges. This usually occurs two-four times per year, although younger snakes, due to higher growth rates, generally shed their skin more often. Their old skin is simply no longer a good fit. And neither are some of my clothes!

I can address the shedding of tangible items by reducing the amount lost, like using hair products that prevent balding, and keeping clothes for another year. Replacement is another way to impact shedding —for hair I can use products to increase hair growth or even buy a hair piece, and if I get rid of clothes I can simply buy new ones, even replacing those that I miss with similar items. These may involve some costs, but are all doable strategies.

But I have found that the process of shedding long-held ideas and concepts about myself is harder to accomplish. In past years I thought of myself as a superwoman of sorts, and readily undertook multiple activities simultaneously, including caring for my family and managing a busy career. Now retired and with grown children, many of these activities are no longer needed, and I have had to shed the idea of having limitless energy. I am replacing this with a new concept of myself—someone with more time, and with roles and capacities that didn’t seem possible before. I can plan activities I enjoy, like reading, going to the gym, and writing for my blog, without having to wedge them into an otherwise very busy day (although that sometimes still happens). And now I can spend more time with family or friends, developing greater intimacy by drawing on my life’s experiences and wisdom to help nurture and support them, and learn from them as well.  Perhaps this shedding is really trading many of my former activities for new ones, and I am creating a differently composed superwoman.

And perhaps, as it is for snakes, shedding is a good thing for me. It lets me acquire and do new things, and provides space for continued growth in the years ahead.

Gender Differences: Some Observations About Sensory Capacities

After more than forty years of marriage, I have concluded that there are differences between men and women in their sensory capacities.

Visual field perception

Research has found that men outperform women on spatial tasks, like visualizing how a 3-D object would appear if it were rotated in space. But there are other spatial tasks, where women out-perform men, that are rarely assessed. Perception of objects in the visual field is one of them. We have a place in our apartment near the entrance hall where I place garbage to be thrown out when we leave the house. I always see it when I leave the apartment and take it with me. My husband never sees it.  If I point it out as he leaves, he will gladly take it with him. Similarly, when we are cleaning up our home in expectation of visitors and I ask him to clean off the dining table of his papers, he often misses some. I have learned that if I want the table totally cleaned off, I will do a second scan after he finishes, and remove any remaining papers.  Some research has found that women have wider peripheral vision than men, so I have come to peace with these differences and realize that change would be difficult to achieve. He simply doesn’t see what I see.

Auditory acuity

Like most people with a telephone land line, we often get spam calls and do not answer the phone unless the phone screen shows that it is someone we want to speak with. The calls usually start soon after 9 in the morning. If my husband is sleeping, he doesn’t hear the phone.  I am usually up at that time, so I hear these calls. But even when I take a nap during the day, when the phone rings, it immediately wakes me. This reminds me of my experiences when our children were babies. My husband was willing to participate in childcare, but he rarely heard the cries of the children during the night. When I asked about this the next morning, he reported that he heard nothing. I suppose I could have awakened him and gone back to sleep, but since I was already awake, I just took care of it myself.  And perhaps, like differences in vision, this too is due to brain differences; some research has shown that women have greater hearing sensitivity at high frequencies. But I have finally figured out how to address this difference, since hearing something, and then responding to the need presented, can be seen as two separate activities. So now if I hear sounds during the night, I simply wake him to investigate the cause.

Multi-tasking ability

I am better at multi-tasking than my husband. While not a sensory ability, this gender difference often relates to household perceptions and behaviors. For example, I can do concurrent activities, like empty the dishwasher of newly cleaned dishes while I am preparing dinner, or empty the laundry basket of clean clothes and put them away when I am watching TV. And when I go out to do errands, I often do several during the same trip – I can do the food shopping, stop at the bank, and go to the pharmacy. When my husband does errands, he usually goes out with a singular mission. Recent research has shown that women are not better than men at multi-tasking (either concurrent or sequential), they simply take on more household responsibilities. Hmmm, this difference may still have some potential for modification of responsibilities and behaviors.

I know that many of these differences are not hard-wired, and not gender-tied; some men are very good multi-taskers, and some women may not hear an infant’s cries during the night. But I am still learning that being aware of these differences, and dividing up tasks at home that are best suited for each of us, can ensure that they all get done… most of the time… eventually.

Still Among the Youngest

I never liked being the youngest of three children, with a brother four and a half years older and a sister eleven years older. As the youngest child, I always felt a bit of an outsider and I couldn’t do many of the fun things my older siblings were allowed to do. Also, I skipped the 4th grade, and completed three years of junior high school in two (7th-9th grades), so I was younger than my schoolmates. I didn’t have any trouble with academics, but I was shy, and I wanted to seem older. That’s probably the reason I started smoking when I was about  thirteen, in the 10th grade. I also started wearing make-up in high school, to look older. Nonetheless, I felt uncomfortable with my classmates, especially girls who seemed more mature and who were popular in school, like the cheerleaders for the football team. Overall, I didn’t like being the youngest.

I have had a full life. I obtained post-graduate degrees, have been married for over forty years, gave birth to two children, and retired from a successful research career about two years ago. Through all this, I didn’t think much about my age. Within a few years after college I had caught up with my age peers, and my age relative to others was no longer something I thought much about. Of course I also stayed the youngest among my siblings, but as we all grew older, our age differences became less important.

But now, in my 70s, my relative age seems to matter again. After retiring from work I have become involved with the Senior Network in my apartment complex. We have zoom calls, go to lunch or other activities, and generally are a support for each other when we need someone to talk with. After the COVID lock-down regular Zoom calls between six of us began. We talk weekly, and more recently, after all of us were vaccinated, we again started in-person meetings, lunches, and other outings.

Of the other five women, four are older than me, including three who are in their 80s. Some moved to the apartment complex when it first opened, about fifty years ago, some came with their spouses.  All were active professionals and all are currently retired. As a relative newcomer to the apartment complex when I became involved with this network, I wondered why I was hanging out with these old people. Then I realized I am one of them. They are all active, have no major physical problems, and we have fun together. So now again in my life I am aware of myself as one of the youngest — but this time I like it.  It’s not just because being younger means I may have more years in my future—although this no doubt is a possibility— it’s also because being with these older friends has led me to view aging more positively. They enjoy life, laugh easily, share their concerns and advice open-heartedly and are compassionate. They have shown me that getting older is something I can look forward to.

And I do things to look and feel younger. I still wear make-up every day, but now because I think it helps me look younger. I go to the hair salon about every 5-6 weeks to get my hair dyed. I go to the health club and exercise to strengthen my muscles and joints, and because I feel good when I’m done. I also have stopped smoking. And I seek out activities I enjoy, such as visiting museums and explorations of new neighborhoods and sites in NYC. They all contribute to helping me feel younger and eager for yet more new experiences.

But I know that my status as one of the youngest is eroding.  

My sister has Alzheimer’s disease and is declining, and my brother died over twenty years ago, at 61, from a stroke. So while I still have an older sibling, I am losing ground in the status of being the youngest. I expect that my Senior Network group will stay together for many years to come. But with new members joining, and time passing, I am likely to become among the oldest in the future. I certainly hope so.

Mathematics at Home

Some schoolchildren wonder why they need to learn mathematics. They believe it will not be of any practical use since calculators are readily available. As a research scientist, I have often used statistics in my work, and have appreciated their utility. As I get older I find that mathematical concepts and numbers are especially helpful, even though  they may be subject to interpretation and not always as informative as I would like. Here are some examples:

Addition and subtraction

The mysteries of these basic mathematical functions continue to amaze me. How is it that I can reduce my intake of carbohydrates and wine for several days, but there’s no subtraction in weight over that time period? On the other hand, one night with moderate portions of a tasty appetizer and a simple dinner, and just a taste of someone else’s dessert, can create unwelcome additions on the morning scale. Seems irrational to me.

Multiplication

This is in evidence all around my apartment. My husband doesn’t like to throw out papers. His “collection” includes mail (primarily solicitations from charities), receipts, magazines, torn off pieces of paper with telephone numbers (and no names) on them, business cards, and many other varieties of papers. At one time I bought several decorative baskets in hopes that this would at least contain or even help him organize these papers- but alas, they simply serve as receptacles for even more papers to accumulate. This is clearly multiplication, and at times even appears to have exponential growth. My husband says that he regularly discards mail and other papers as they come in… so perhaps there is an original highly fertile set, rarely reached, that continues doing the reproducing.

Division

I especially appreciate my use of division when I consider the hours in my day. When I was younger the day tended to divide itself into my various activities, and included my job, time with children, socializing, shopping, cleaning, etc. I often scheduled every hour of the day, especially at work. The number of activities that I fit into a day were constrained only by my ability to stay awake, and the time allotted to activities was also of necessity constrained. Now I am much more deliberate in how my day is divided. Since retirement, I have more time available, and more choices, and I try to divide up my day to savor the things I enjoy and leave time and energy for spontaneous activities like a walk with a friend. So while division of the hours of the day still occurs, I schedule fewer items, for  larger blocks of time, leaving some parts of the day unscheduled. I like this use of arithmetic, and it helps me think about what is really important to me and how I want to spend the biggest chunks of my days.

Probability

This is the likelihood of something occurring. Although probability is a mathematical concept, and usually can be calculated, its meaning is often impacted by personal perceptions. Like when I buy a lottery ticket. I know that the probability of winning is about 1 in 300 million, making it HIGHLY unlikely (near impossible) that I will win. I buy it mainly for how I feel during the period between the purchase and the drawing… for the anticipation that there’s some possibility that I might win. Illogical, yes, but not totally impossible. On a more serious note, the role of perception also applies to things like responses to getting the COVID vaccine. When I got the Pfizer vaccine it was found to be 95% effective (independent of the 3rd booster shot), and after receiving it I felt fully protected and eager to engage in various activities, following mask recommendations. Others focused on the 5% ineffective rate, and didn’t change their social distancing protective behaviors. Same probability, different responses. But as I get older and more vulnerable to negative health outcomes, behaviors that reduce risk, even minimally, are probably wiser. Knowledge of ambient infection rates, impact of booster vaccinations, and other factors will influence my future decisions about my behavior.

So what about using mathematics at home? It definitely can be useful, even though sometimes it appears to be inaccurate (like when I get on the scale). But it may help describe developments at home (like growth in papers) and is useful in planning how to allocate my time. Finally, while it can provide essential information for a wide range of decisions, from buying lottery tickets to changing behaviors during COVID, it often is not sufficient.  Ultimately how I use math is up to me. I don’t know the odds, but you can bet on that.

Stages of Change for My Changing Stages

I conducted behavioral research related to substance abuse for many years, and became familiar with a construct called the Stages of Change Model, developed by Prochaska and DiClemente. This model posits that individuals may move through five stages as they undertake health behavior change: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Clinical and research efforts using this model often strive to identify someone’s stage, and work to encourage movement to the next stage. For example, someone who uses drugs heavily may not initially be thinking about reducing or stopping drug use (is in pre-contemplation). However, if this person goes to a counselor to discuss problems at work, the sessions may reveal that drug use plays a significant role in the individual’s job problems, and the counselor may encourage the person to consider reducing (or stopping) their drug use (in other words, move to contemplation). Subsequently, the client may begin to prepare for making changes (through planning and discussion) and then to undertake actions to reduce use. The next, sometimes final, step involves the client being able to maintain the lowered drug use or abstinence behaviors. Although there is a logical order to these stages, it has been recognized that movement is not unidirectional, and individuals may return to earlier stages during their change process.

I think that these stages of change also apply to adapting to the changing stages of the process of aging.

I was in pre-contemplation about aging for many years before actually accepting that I was officially an older person. I didn’t retire until my 70s, and my life after retirement became busy with many new activities and social events. It took about a year and I was in contemplation about how to manage this new stage of my life. I’m not sure exactly when that happened—but the combination of my chronological age, acceptance of senior citizen discounts, graying hair, and enjoying my membership in the senior network in my apartment complex— all played a role. I began thinking about what my aging meant. And that brought me to the preparation stage. Now that I had fewer externally imposed deadlines and responsibilities, and the motivation and ability to choose what I wanted to do, what did I want my life to be? I knew I wanted to write more, so I joined a writer’s workshop; my desire to explore the city’s sites and see family and friends more often meant I needed to make specific plans and schedule dates and activities. Once I had the general plan outlined it was easy to move to the action stage.Yes, there are some weeks that I am not as active as I’d planned to be, and I go back to contemplation where I might revise some of my plans. I soon move again to preparation and then get back to action.

I now consider myself to be in maintenance. I make time most weeks to read, write, see friends, and visit something new.  And these activities are rewarding and reinforcing. And I believe the Stages of Change Model will be helpful in the future. The life stage I am in now will change in the coming years. My level of energy may substantially decline, there may be limits on my mobility, family responsibilities may emerge, or I may even need to have some dependence on others – and I am in precontemplation about all of these. But I hope to use the Stages of Change Model to modify my roles as my stages change, and to reach desirable maintenance levels for each new stage.  

Living With Contradictory Beliefs

I have always liked the concept of cognitive dissonance. That’s when you have two beliefs or behaviors that are contradictory to each other, and you feel uncomfortable because it is difficult to hold on to both of them. For example, you would experience cognitive dissonance if you see a friend who you think is a kind person mistreating someone else. The contradictory thoughts are- this is a kind person, and,  this is someone who mistreats others. It would be hard to hold on to both beliefs, so to resolve it you may need to do one of several things: you can conclude that your friend is actually unkind,  you can decide that the person who was mistreated was behaving badly and deserved the mistreatment (holding on to your belief that the friend is still kind), or you might see the mistreatment as pretty mild, so it doesn’t impact how you feel about your friend. The psychologist who developed this concept of cognitive dissonance, Leon Festinger, provided many examples of how people try to resolve dissonant perceptions, beliefs and behaviors.  I enjoyed identifying my own contradictions and finding ways to reduce the discomfort they produced, but as I get older, some are getting harder to resolve.

Divesting of things I no longer use, or, is the grass really greener on the other side? Dissonance happened when I decided to sell my condo in Florida. We inherited it from my mother-in-law after she died, about 20 years ago. We don’t use it very much, it needs repairs, and maintenance and tax costs keep rising. So my family helped me plan how to dispose of the contents (distribution to family, sale and donations), and I found a go-getter realtor. She did some research and came up with an asking price, hired a painter to freshen up the place, and put the listing on the market. Lots of cognitive dissonance emerged:  I wanted to sell it to have one less thing to be concerned about but when I met with the realtor it was lovely to sit on the porch overlooking the pool and pretty trees- did I really want to sell it? I decided to go ahead with the listing. The condo sold in one day, at the asking price! Yikes, more dissonance! Did I sell it too soon? At too low a price? vs I was fortunate to get a buyer at the asking price. And another one:  If someone wanted it so quickly does that mean it is more desirable than I thought and I should keep it? Vs. it’s great that it sold so quickly. Wow– lots to feel uncomfortable about… but I am OK with all these contradictions, and can justify selling it now: I don’t want to make the needed repairs, the market price may go down in the future, and with the proceeds of the sale I can stay at lovely hotels when I want to go to Florida. But will those things happen?

Behaviors related to healthy living. Lower weight maintenance, alcohol, smoking – I know the healthy behaviors:  I should diet to lose weight, drink infrequently and never smoke. Here’s the dissonance: managing these behaviors is good for my health vs. I enjoy food and alcohol and I crave smoking cigarettes. I am dealing with these contradictions, with mixed success:

-Regarding alcohol use, I learned that if I drink too much, as I get older, I don’t feel well at the end of the evening or in the morning. So I limit myself to 1-2 drinks… most times.

-In terms of dieting, I have learned that I can diet and lose weight, but major family events recently presented challenges. I decided to enjoy these events, and cut back for a few days afterwards to get back to my starting point. But it’s two weeks later and I’m still trying to cut back.

– As for smoking, although I was a pack-a-day smoker starting in my teens and  stopped after about 20 years, I still crave it, especially when I am with smokers. So I “bum” cigarettes when I am with people who smoke- there aren’t too many of these anymore- and I periodically buy them a pack for compensation. I know – this is not good for me and it does nothing to reduce smoking among smokers I care about, but hey, I’m human, and all our contradictions are not easily nor fully resolvable.

Beliefs about aging. I feel energetic and eager to do things. But when I look in the mirror I see someone who looks older than I feel. I grew up with a family that believed that once you got past a certain age—and in those days it seemed to start at about 50—you couldn’t do much anymore. Visiting family, watching TV, eating, that was about it… you couldn’t be very active. So here’s the dissonance : am I getting too old to explore new places and meet new friends or should I enjoy myself with whatever I’d like to do?   And here’s my resolution to this one: I believe that times have changed, we are healthier and living longer, and my family was wrong; activity doesn’t have to stop at a certain age.  Furthermore, doing the things I enjoy makes me happier about aging. I think this is a win-win.

So, while much of the research literature on cognitive dissonance has been devoted to various methods of resolving the discomfort it brings, I have learned that sometimes I can’t resolve my contradictory beliefs and just need to live with them. No dissonance about that!

Don’t Get Stuck At Your Setpoints

It has been found that our bodies have some setpoints. These are stable and optimal ranges of some physiological characteristics, like our weight and even our experience of happiness. Research indicates that genetics accounts for about 50% of setpoints, so that means I have some control over the remaining 50%. I have had mixed success trying to nudge my setpoints.

In my late teens through early thirties I stabilized at a certain weight, regardless of what I ate. After giving birth to two children in my thirties, my setpoint moved upward, and remained constant for many years. As I approached retirement, reductions in metabolism and too many retirement parties and cocktail hours contributed to some additional upward movement. I remember a friend’s advice about life “if you don’t let yourself go, you will never know how far you can get.” It made sense to me at the time, and sounded liberating… but I learned that this is not a good way to manage weight. I wish weight were like a thermostat, and I could just move a dial down a bit and the desired change would happen. And why is it easier to achieve a higher set point than a lower one? It doesn’t seem fair. Lowering this setpoint will require some effort.

My sense of happiness setpoint is one that I would like to move up. There has been some debate as to whether this can be modified over time. Some research has shown that when you experience a major event, like winning a lottery or losing a spouse, there may be a temporary change in the experience of happiness, but it will return to your setpoint in a short while. Others say there can be long-term changes after these events. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel worried and a sense of unease about the day… definitely not a sense of happiness. I have found that simply hoping or waiting to feel happier never works. But getting into action and doing things I enjoy can override my feelings and I don’t have to stay at my setpoint. I may need to remind myself of this on some mornings, but it definitely works for me.  

Other setpoints I have thought about include how I experience negative emotions, like frustration or anger. I have different setpoints for these emotions, with the feelings occurring more readily than my willingness to express them. As I get older, this discrepancy has become more disturbing to me. Simple things like someone rudely getting ahead of me in the supermarket line can set off anger, and in the past I would try and ignore it rather than addressing it. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need to be shy about these kinds of things anymore. If I express my annoyance, politely and directly, I find that the feelings are more quickly dissipated. So I am adjusting my set point dials in these two areas to bring them closer in time – having the feelings and expressing them. I like this adjustment, though others, the targets of the frustration, may not.

I also have set points for behaviors, like my level of activity and engagement in life.  When I was younger, with a full-time job and young children, I rarely thought about my activity setpoint, I simply did what was the urgent priority. I often felt “used up” by the end of the day, and this felt good and purposeful. Now my children have their own lives, I am retired, I have discovered more restaurant delivery options in my neighborhood, and I have more choice about what to do with my time. I enjoy many things (reading, writing, seeing a friend, going to a museum), but there generally are no urgent priorities and my activities are based on my desires. But at the end of some days I feel incomplete, and I think it’s because my setpoint was based on my level of activity when I had multiple responsibilities. I am recalibrating this setpoint, to enjoy more activities that are internally generated and selected for pleasure. And I have realized that not feeling exhausted at the end of the day is a good thing, and gives me time to plan more things I would enjoy.

So, what have I learned about my setpoints? While they are part of who I am, I think that in new life stages, new levels may be desirable. I try to remember another meaning of setpoint. In tennis, where it has an entirely different meaning, it represents the point that will win a game and the set, and usually requires substantial effort. Perhaps my setpoints aren’t so “set” after all, and I can get them where I want them. Ready, Set, Go!