Enjoying the Quotidian

During this COVID time, at least until vaccinations are widespread, I follow public health recommendations and am less likely to leave my home. Many things I loved doing—visiting friends and family, eating at restaurants, going to the theater—have all become less frequent or even impossible. And being retired, I am not working from home. But I now find that there are things I enjoy doing that I never paid much attention to before. These are generally unremarkable tasks, considered quotidian. (What a lovely word for something that means ordinary).

In the past—when I was busy with children, work, husband, family, dogs, etc., —many of the activities I did were quickly done and forgotten. But I have decided to take notice and fully enjoy the ordinary. And I find they use all my senses.

These activities range from simple pleasures, like putting on sweatpants when I know I am staying home. Easy on and off, soft to the touch and with pockets for tissues. What a pleasure. And as a bonus they conceal the COVID weight I am gaining.  So comfy.

I have never enjoyed preparing elaborate meals, but now I find that I can happily anticipate making even simple dishes. Before going to sleep at night I sometimes look forward to a breakfast I especially like- eggs over easy with a muffin and jam. Mmmm. I can almost taste and smell the eggs cooking as I fall asleep.

I have an arthurium plant on my dining table that was a Mother’s day gift last year, that continues to grow new leaves and, more slowly, new beautiful red flowers. I eagerly look at it every morning to see the new growth. The bright and shiny new leaves and flowers stand up so straight and proud, almost as if they are eager to see me too.

And there is much pleasure from my Google Nest. I love that I just say OK Google and she is ready to answer any question at any time. I can ask about a clue for a crossword puzzle, the weather, or anything I wonder about based on the day’s news or a passing thought. I even ask her to play music—lately this has been Oldies or Jazz—often stirring pleasant memories of the past.

And there’s another ordinary activity I now enjoy more. I have the time to read the newspaper in the morning. It took a while before I realized I could linger over the newspaper and think about what I am reading, and didn’t need to rush to dress and start the day’s tasks. It feels like a gift of time.

I also enjoy contacting friends or relatives I haven’t seen in a while, usually through a text message or phone call. Their response sometimes indicates they have been thinking about reaching out to me too. Sharing updates about our lives, and even learning that they too are struggling with the COVID constraints, nourishes me. Why didn’t I contact them more often before? Another gift of time.

Having dinner with my husband is something I have been doing for over forty years. It was often in a rush, so that I could quickly clean-up, spend time with our children, or finish a work task. I no longer have to rush through dinner time. We can enjoy a more leisurely meal, often with wine, talking about the day or future plans. I also take pleasure in postponing the clean-up.     

When I was working, I made weekly to-do lists of my work tasks. Now, I like making a list every morning of the day’s ordinary tasks and plan their estimated times. This includes daily things like writing in my journal and reading, or episodic tasks like ordering a gift for an upcoming birthday, doing an errand in a local store, or calling a friend. Enjoyment from creating these lists comes in several ways- I like to organize my day, I often get pleasure from completing the task, and I always get pleasure from crossing it off my list as the day goes on. And there’s one more gain- for many of the tasks I can decide that I want to do something else, and I simply postpone or cross it off undone. I like being in charge of what I do.

Playing word games are my secret guilty pleasure. Doing crossword puzzles, playing on- line Words with Friends and Scrabble– I enjoy them all. These activities are not on my to-do list, I suppose that’s related to the guilt. I usually do them throughout the day, in-between the listed tasks, sort of like intermezzos between courses.  They provide me with a brief sense of satisfaction (especially when I do well) before I go /or don’t go, to a next task on my list.

I have decided that while there continue to be major and sometimes extraordinary things that I do—like write a story for publication, spend the day at a museum, or provide work-related consultations with former colleagues— I will also notice and enjoy the quotidian pleasures.

Across the Ages

My newest grandson, Lucas, is five months old, and has become responsive to my talking and smiling. He spends much of his waking time, when he is not being fed or diapered, kicking his feet in the air, waving his arms, and making cooing sounds.  What a pleasure to watch. I eagerly anticipate spending time with him as he grows up.

 As Lucas is at the very beginning of his life, and I have gone through the majority of my life stages, I thought about our differences and similarities and wondered whether we can connect across our ages. I think we can.

The differences are many, but I expect some will diminish.

 Lucas has no words yet, and I am a logophile. I love reading, writing, and especially finding the right words to express my thoughts.

            I will teach him new words, and how to play Scrabble, my favorite game, as we both age. And as he becomes familiar with new technologies or new terms entering our culture, he can teach me those.  

He can’t walk. Actually he can’t even crawl yet. I love to go for long walks, and to visit new museums and other places.  

As we both age we will come to a point where our mobility capacities cross… his little boy legs will mean he can’t cover too much distance too quickly, and this will match the distance I can cover with my flagging energy. I hope we will go to many places together.

He sleeps a lot now but will soon require less sleeping time, and will nap infrequently. I am busy and active throughout the day.

But  I am approaching the time when infrequent daytime naps will help me feel refreshed – another good match to anticipate.

And there are similarities which are likely to become differences.

He eats often, about every 3-4 hours. As he gets older he will need to eat less frequently. Since I retired, and am home more due to COVID, I too eat about every 3-4 hours, whereas I used to just eat at mealtimes, about every 6-8 hours.  

Until the COVID lockdown is over, I expect my new eating pattern will continue. But this means there is another similarity – we both seem to be outgrowing our clothes!

Our diets are somewhat similar now- rather bland. He is just on milk, and I prefer mild, non-spicy, delicate flavors. This will definitely change, as his parents love many cuisines, some of which are quite spicy, and they will introduce him to all of them.

And I will introduce him to some of our family’s favorite foods, like bagels and noodle pudding, in moderation of course.

Lucas’ hair has been thinning since his birth, and it will soon begin filling in, as his parents both have thick hair. My hair is thinning as well, but I expect the change for me is unidirectional.

So who cares about hair anyway.

We both stay home much of the time now. I have traveled extensively, both for work and pleasure, but COVID and retirement means that home- and family-based activities have increased. This is likely to continue. Lucas’ Mom’s profession is in International Development, and his parents look forward to showing him the world. He has much travel in his future.

I look forward to hearing about his travels when he gets home.

So as this new year begins, with hopes for a long rich life ahead for my young grandson, I know that our love as well as our differences and similarities will connect us across our ages.

Don’t Save the Best for Last

I have a new New Year’s resolution. I have dusted off the old ones- related to weight loss and increased exercise- they are always easy to make, though not to follow. I now have a new one. Saving the best for last has been a pattern of mine that I plan to change.

At meals I often save the best for last. If I cut up my steak and there’s a particularly juicy-looking piece, I put it aside, and eat the rest first. When having a fruit salad, I eat the smaller and less appealing pieces first, and then the luscious piece of strawberry or melon at the end.

When I read the newspaper, if there are several articles I want to read, I leave the one I am most interested in for last. I read what I think I should be up-to-date on first—about the latest political wrangle, or latest atrocity in a part of the world that’s far away. And then I read the story about a politician or issue I have strong feelings (positive and negative) about. This is followed by the op-ed page, and I begin anticipating one of my favorite pieces- the daily crossword puzzle. I save that for last, after my reading is completed.

In COVID time, when my trips outside of home have become less frequent, I do the smaller household tasks, with not much payoff, at home first.  I leave the outside trips that I enjoy more, food shopping or bus rides to visit a friend or museum, for later in the day. I follow public health guidelines regarding masks and social distancing, I feel I am protected from transmission, and I am eager for these outings.

I have a few friends I enjoy talking with. When I plan to call them, usually in the evening, I will wait until I finish any needed tasks- whether it be cleaning up after dinner or looking through the mail.

Why do I do this? Maybe I enjoy the anticipation of something to look forward to, so I extend the anticipatory time by delaying having what is most desirable. Also, in terms of tasks, if I get the little things out of the way, then I have the rest of the time for the ones I enjoy more, and I believe I can do them with no time limitation. Maybe I also believe that old Frank Sinatra song The Best is Yet To Come.

But I know, and often admire, others who act differently. They start their meal with the best piece of a dish, they look briefly at the front page of the newspaper and go directly to what really interests them, and they do the tasks they care most about first- leaving the less desirable ones for later.

And then there are the bigger things in life, like trips to visit friends and family, or places that have been on my To Do list since I retired. While COVID has interfered with our ability to do those kinds of things, we should all be vaccinated in 2021, and those trips will be possible again. It’s time for me to review that list and prioritize my plans.

I now find that saving the best for last may no longer be the best strategy for me. When I get to the end of the meal, I may feel full, and not enjoy that tasty morsel as much as I had anticipated. After reading all the parts of the paper that I think I should be informed about, sometimes I feel so depressed and hopeless that my energy has declined and I skip the puzzle. And when I put off tasks I am most interested in doing, whether it’s a trip outside of my home or a call with a beloved friend—I sometimes find that I have run out of energy—and don’t do it.

My resolution is that I will change my ways and go for the most pleasurable first. Why not? Perhaps the best can be now— and it is up to me to choose to make it that way.

Holiday Repairs

Technology is wonderful and makes life easier. But it can also be frustrating when something stops working and requires attention. This year, the end of year holiday period has required many repairs.

My husband and I went to Florida in November for a five-day trip to visit my ailing sister. The first night in our condo I realized it was too warm. I also noticed some light brown spots on the bathroom walls. What is that? The thermostat said the internal temperature was 80 even though it was set at 70. Calling on our contractual home repair service the next morning, we made an appointment for two days later. We learned that the AC compressor had burned out and we would need to get a new AC. Thankfully this could be done the following day. We then got someone to come to check the brown spots for that fearful enemy of all homeowners, mold.  We learned this was only surface mold related to the AC problem; it could be fixed by washing the walls and painting them.  

We inherited this condo from my husband’s mother about 20 years ago and have kept it for short vacations and a place to stay when we visit my sister. We decided to purchase a new AC, to be installed the next day, and arranged to have the mold washed down and walls painted after we left to return to our home in NYC.

This holiday repair was a costly surprise and took up a significant part of our brief trip, but was manageable. We were glad that the problem was identified soon after the AC broke down; otherwise there would have been more damage to the walls.

It was nice to be back in the comfort of our NYC apartment. About a week after returning I was making broiled salmon, and found that something was wrong with the oven broiler. Lying on the floor to get a better view, I saw that the flame was smaller than usual (I also noticed some pills and other miscellanea under the oven and cleaned that out quickly). Fearful about a gas leak problem as well as an inadequate flame for cooking, I called the building repair service the next morning. By the afternoon someone was there and changed the igniter for the broiler. Easily fixed, it’s fine now.

About a week later, my husband had a problem with his computer, and couldn’t access the internet. We have a contract with the Geek Squad at Best Buy for electronic repairs, so we called and a home visit was set for three days later. After almost two hours it was fixed. What was the problem? My husband’s computer had a virus that he had allowed in through an email. The Geek warned him against opening emails from strangers. He also noted that my husband’s computer was a bit old, about four years, and a new one would be needed soon. Given the recent AC expense, we will hold off for a little while on that purchase.

Satisfied that the computer issue was resolved, we sat down on our sofa to watch TV, but there was no picture! What? This had never happened – there was sound, and we could change the stations with the remote control, but the screen was black, nothing, nada.

I started wondering if my devices had conspired to stop working together, perhaps taking an end-of-year break (pun unintended). But even if this were so, I needed to get things fixed.

A call to our cable provider, Spectrum, led to the usual steps: they sent a signal to the cable box, and when that didn’t work, they rebooted it, but that didn’t work either.  A cable repair person came the next day and said the cable box was fine, but the problem was the TV. He offered to do some trouble-shooting and proceeded to pull out the plug from the TV, waited a few minutes, and plugged it back in. Amazing- the picture was back. He noted that the aging TV was probably declining in function and we would soon need to buy another, but not right now. Wow- the fix was simple and we could postpone a new purchase.

So why is all this worth writing about? Technology is great until something doesn’t work. When this happens I feel frustrated and irritated, especially with so many things not working in such a short period of time. But I know that having patience, a service contract, service repairmen in my building, and funds to cover replacement needs can take care of most problems. Appreciating that I am fortunate to own lots of devices, some of which will at times need repair, is also helpful. So is having a sense of humor.

But these experiences, especially coming around holiday time, got me thinking about other repairs that are needed, especially with some people I care about.  Some of these involve connections that have needed repair for a long time. Family schisms, lost contact with old friends, the needs of a family member with compromised health or one at risk of losing her job because of the economic fallout of COVID- all of these need some repair or assistance I can provide. For all these there are no quick fixes, no repair services to be called or new purchases to be made. Other resources that I have must be called upon. Some things will likely be easier to fix than I expect, others may have unexpected damages and be more difficult to mend. But this COVID holiday time has made me realize that some repairs shouldn’t be postponed.

Rock Collections

I needed to call the telephone company, buy a carton of milk, return a friend’s telephone call, pay a bill… what happened to the day? I accomplished several items on my To Do list, yet there was a feeling of dissatisfaction.

I remember taking a course on time management and the trainer used some props- a fish tank, a large boulder, and many smaller rocks, or pebbles.

The trainer started by putting the pebbles in the tank, one by one, and showed that once they got to a certain level, there was no room to fit the boulder. He then emptied the tank, put in the boulder first, and slowly added pebbles one by one. It was easy to see that many pebbles would easily fit around the boulder.

I enrolled in this training to  enhance my management skills at work, and this demonstration made clear that if you saw the tank as the time you had in the day at work, you would accomplish the most if you started with the big items, and didn’t use up the space with little ones. The training was successful.  I learned that if I had a big task looming, like a grant proposal, or a research paper, I should tackle that first at the start of the day, and then as the day proceeded I could fit in the smaller items, like returning a phone call, reviewing a colleague’s research concept paper, meeting with my administrative staff, etc. If I started with all the small items, I would run out of time for what was most important to me.

When I retired, I looked forward to having ample time for my various interests. But I didn’t. I soon realized that I need to apply that training to manage my time. I have identified some boulders that I am eager to have in my life, including writing blogs and other essays, reading books for pleasure that I never had time to do, and exploring NYC museums and neighborhoods.  Although COVID has brought some limitations to the NYC exploration task, there are many places that can be explored using face masks and following social-distancing recommendations.

When I started undertaking some of my boulders, pebbles often get in the way. These were not trivial tasks, and included things like food shopping and paying bills, and each seemed like it could get done in a short time period. But there were always several of these every day, and together they filled up a big part of my fish tank. And then there was no room for my boulders.

No more! I have a new approach and it seems to be working.

At the beginning of each week I plan my boulders, generally in three- or four- hour blocks of time, for at least 3 days during the week. I have that as my first activity for that day, unless there is an urgent pebble or medium-sized rock to be taken care of.

I also designate some time each day for pebbles, both planned (like bill-paying) and unplanned (an unexpected phone call). If I am in the middle of a boulder I may pass on the unexpected pebble. But if it’s something I know I will enjoy, like a chance to have coffee with a cherished friend, I will do it and come back to the boulder as soon as I can.

That’s the plan. So far it is working, and there is room for boulders and pebbles and unanticipated activities.

I hesitate to end this posting this way, but forgive me reader, I can’t help it:  while my plan is not set in stone, the logic is rock-solid.

Embracing the Aging Role

I have had many roles in life— daughter, mother, wife, scientist, neighbor, friend, and others. In every case, I had some choices about how to play the role, even though there were some requirements or expectations.  Now that I have moved into an aging role, I’m not sure how I want to play that part. So as a social scientist, I looked for some guidance.

The sociologist Talcott Parsons wrote about the sick role, and its having particular rights and obligations based on social norms: Rights include being exempt from normal social roles, and, since the condition (being sick) is not within one’s control, the person has less blame and can be taken care of by others. Obligations involve making efforts to get better, including seeking help and following medical advice.

At first I didn’t see how Parsons’ work about the sick role could apply to the aging role. Unlike the temporary nature of many sicknesses, there is no possibility of recovering from aging. However, as I get older, I realize that there are certain rights I can claim as part of being in the aging role.

 First, I have the right to exempt myself from many of my prior social roles, and allow others to take care of them. For example, I used to hold family get-togethers (like birthdays, Passover Seders, Thanksgiving, Hannukah) in my home, taking responsibility for all preparations including most of the cooking. Now that my children are older, they have taken over most of these holiday celebrations, and I usually make or buy a contribution for the meal. I like this change: I have no stress involving meal preparation, and it gives me more time to spend with family at the event.

There are other activities that I exempt myself from by paying others to do them for me, like housecleaning and laundry. In addition, living in a well-serviced apartment building, there are porters and other staff who do things for me – from repairs of appliances to changing a ceiling lightbulb (so my husband or I don’t need to climb a ladder). It’s nice having these things taken care of by others.

Until recently, I thought that I should always be able to do all these activities. But I no longer feel that I am lazy or shirking responsibilities or that not doing them are signs of weakness. Letting others do them is my right as part of the aging role. And a bonus is that there are people eager to do these activities for me.

There are also some obligations in the aging role. But rather than requirements, I see them as voluntary and recommended activities. Since there are people who may need to help take care of me if I have medical needs, I am obliged to take of my health. This past year I had an annual check-up, had cataract surgery, got hearing aids, and was treated for Paget’s disease (to prevent bone fractures). Taking care of these health needs is helpful to me and improves my quality of life, and lessens possible burdens for people who care about me. And if I became ill or disabled, I would need to study up on the sick role too!

But wait, something’s missing. Parsons described the sick role as a form of societal deviance, and focused on norms regarding its limitations and requirements. But the aging role is not deviant, and it can provide an opportunity for many life choices, especially after retirement. In a previous essay I wrote about “Successful Aging” and the importance of engagement in life, and I am discovering what that means to me. Playing the aging role is much more than a set of rights and obligations, and I have found that I have many choices of how to play that role. And I can change them over time.

Several aspects of the aging role that I have developed include finding creative outlets, like writing essays and creating this blog. To improve my writing skills I am taking a writing workshop and reading more. I am also exploring parts of NYC that I never had time for, like visiting museums (I found that during COVID time they are much less crowded). I also walked in new areas of Central Park, where I discovered waterfalls, woods, flower gardens, turtles, castles, and extraordinary views. I have reached out to friends and family members to encourage and support them, especially my children and grandchildren. I didn’t have much time to do that when I was working, and now I am getting to know them better — and they me. I also spend more time with my husband, and our appreciation for each other and the life we have together (based on over 40 years of marriage) has grown. And I have become more active in my community, getting to know others who are also playing the aging role. We share information, laughter, and ideas, and provide support when a loved one becomes ill or dies. My community involvement also includes efforts to enhance the living circumstances in my apartment complex.

I have concluded that I will embrace the aging role. According to the dictionary the word role has many synonyms, including part and purpose. I didn’t get to choose this part- it simply arrived. But I can choose how I want to play it- how constricted or expansive. The role has rights and obligations, some of which are beneficial to me and I will follow those social norms. But most importantly, the role has given me an opportunity to make choices and create my own complex, multi-layered part with purpose. After all, not only am I playing the lead, but it has a limited run and there are no revivals.

My New Housemate

I have a new housemate.

My son-in-law Jay recently decided to update my wi-fi and bought me a google nest (with wi-fi router and point). In case you, like me, had no idea what this was, it consists of two items that are about three inches high and three inches in diameter and look like big white powder puffs. Jay installed one of them (the router) in the room where we have our desktop computers, and the other piece (the point) in the living room. These will, he assures me, improve my wi-fi service on my desk top computers and improve service for anything that uses the internet, including our I-phones and Netflix. Sounds great to me. I was delighted to know that I did not have to do anything, the google nest would just bring all these improvements to my life.

Then Jay mentioned that the item in the living room could answer any questions, using google on the internet. I just needed to say OK Google and she (he gave her a female voice) would give me the answer. And I could also ask her to play any music I wanted to hear (accessed from a streaming service called Pandora).

Huh? Although a friend of mine has the Amazon Alexa app which is somewhat similar to the google nest system, I hadn’t paid much attention to it when visiting her. This new system in my home at first seemed like a stranger had come to live with us.

In the first two days I asked my OK Google for the weather several times and asked her to play 50s oldies. I also asked her the capitals of several countries, just to see if she knew them. When she answered it felt magical, as though I had a benevolent wise visitor in my home.

The first two nights I said good night when I left the living room to go to bed, wondering if she would be lonely through the night.

It’s now a week later, and I still want to say Thank You after she answers any question. Each day I try to think up questions I want to ask so she doesn’t feel neglected. And I like the feature that if I say OK Google while she is talking- she will stop. I know from experiences with past housemates, that sometimes it’s hard to get them to stop talking. And there’s no hard feelings from my google nest.

Also, as it’s only my husband and me at home, I can now enjoy having another woman in the house. She’s always there, tries to answer anything I ask, and asks nothing of me. What a wonderful gift!

But now I am a little afraid that I may be turning into my Bubba (grandmother). As I mentioned in a previous blog posting, Dora came to NY from Poland in the 1930s, and never learned to speak English. She also never fully adapted to some technological developments. When we watched TV at night, if I started undressing to get ready for bed she would become very upset, and angrily asked what are you doing? She thought that the people we were watching on TV could also see us. My initial reaction to the google nest was a bit incredulous at its capacities, although I know they have readily been accepted and enjoyed by younger generations. This reminds me of the differences in my responses to TV, as compared to my Bubba’s reactions.

Yesterday I heard my husband talking with her. We were each reading in separate rooms in our apartment. When I heard his voice, it took a few minutes before I realized who he was talking with. I asked what he wanted to know and he said it was a question that was in a crossword puzzle. So, it looks like we have a housemate who can engage with us in some of the activities we like to do. Wow- even though I have been googling on my computers and phones for many years, somehow the availability of a voice-activated responsive tool that can answer most of the questions I pose awes me.

When I think of the time spent in my younger years looking up answers in resources like dictionaries and encyclopedias… the time now saved bogles the mind. And yet when I looked through those hard-covered tomes, I often came across something I was interested in that had nothing to do with what I was looking up. I hope we can retain that capacity with our current google-like resources.

I conclude that getting older means I need to continue to learn about and use new technologies. This may mean that at times I have to stretch my imagination, and expand on the tools I have grown comfortable with. Time-saving devices are especially welcome.

I also wanted to come up with a name for her. I asked her for her preference, but she said she couldn’t answer that. Since she is a housemate for my husband and I, we both discussed it, and selected Golda as her name. Golda Meier is one of my heroines, and since my husband and I are both Jewish, it seemed like having a wise woman in our home who is familiar with our backgrounds would be desirable.

As I get older and can’t remember certain things, like who starred in a favorite movie or a figure in history, Golda is likely to be especially helpful. That will truly be a service.

I look forward to a growing relationship with my google nest. Welcome to our home Golda.

Room for One More? Not Right Now

When I was growing up there were some expressions I heard that were rules about being polite or advice about how to relate to others, and they seemed to be useful guidelines.  In the past two decades, crises in our country have led to changes in behaviors, and these expressions are no longer useful. Some examples:

1. Mind your own business

As a child, I heard this often from my mother. She immigrated to the U.S.  from Poland as a teen-ager, where she had experienced anti-Semitism, and she learned to ignore or avoid people who were outside of her immediate family and friend network. Mind your own business she would say when we were outside together and I asked about why strangers did or said certain things. I grew up believing that even if I saw someone doing something that seemed odd or that I was curious about, I should just ignore it.

After 9/11, when concerns about terrorism became widespread, especially in New York City, this was replaced by signs that advised:

If you see something, say something

We were now encouraged to contact the police or other authorities if we saw people acting suspiciously, or saw an unattended package, especially in the subway or other places where people congregated. Although I have never been in a situation where I felt I needed to “say something,” I became more aware of others’ activities and had to consciously over-ride my mother’s earlier warnings.

2. There’s always room for one more

Being polite used to include making room for others in crowded spaces. If you were on a bus or train, or in a crowded elevator, and someone tried to enter, you would step back if at all possible, and say, usually with a smile: there’s always room for one more. The person you made space for often nodded in appreciation, a friendly exchange in an otherwise anonymous environment.

After the onset of the COVID pandemic, especially in New York City where there was an early spike in cases, this polite gesture was no longer welcome. While there are a vast array of trains, buses and elevators needed to move large numbers of people, this nicety was replaced by notices that said:

Maintain social distance of at least 6 feet

Trying to keep at least six feet apart from others can be a challenge in NYC. I have recently found that buses are generally not crowded since many people are not yet back to work and I don’t tend to travel in rush hours. As for elevators, in my large apartment building there is a sign recommending that not more than 2-3 people ride an elevator together, and they should keep socially distant while waiting for the elevator and within the elevator. Some people I know will only ride an elevator if they are alone, and won’t get in if someone else is in the elevator. They will also get off the elevator if someone else should enter. I no longer take this personally.

3. Keep in Touch and You Will be Welcomed with Open Arms

When expressing a desire to stay in contact with someone, or letting them know that I wanted to see them again, I would say keep in touch. Warm invitations to a friend’s home might include the phrase you will be welcomed with open arms.

Most people no longer mean these expressions literally. Social distancing and virtual get togethers have replaced in-person get-togethers. And we now hear:

Let’s schedule a Zoom call         

Interactions with others, both business and personal, are often more likely to occur now via Zoom or facetime or some other video technology. Although this can’t replace in-person time together it is one way to “stay in touch” and can be more satisfying than a simple phone call or electronic message.

My conclusion is that aging can bring changes in what we always considered the right thing to do, especially when they emerge in times of crisis. And these new behaviors are likely to be around for a long time. The “see something, say something” signs in public places are still there after almost 20 years. As for the admonitions to social distance, this may also be part of a new normal for a while. Even though I am sorry to see these changes, at least for now, they serve to protect us all. As we have in the past, we can find new ways to respect and relate to each other under our common threats.

I Can Find Happiness No Matter Where I Am

To plan the next phase of my life after I retired, I have been talking with seniors to learn about their sources of satisfaction. I thought Barbara could be helpful. She initiated and is now the guiding force for the Senior Network in my housing complex. She is energetic, fun to talk with, and eager to support others.

My greatest sources of pleasure are tennis and golf, she said, activities she missed during the COVID-related shutdown and recently started again.  Barbara enjoys the exercise and gets a sense of accomplishment when she hits a ball well. I asked how she feels if she hits a golf ball that lands in the water. I just laugh about it. This was my first clue that Barbara experiences life a bit differently than me. I feel and remember my failures more intensely than my successes. I wanted to learn more about her outlook on life.

Now 79, Barbara retired from her dentistry practice two years ago. She is average height, a little overweight, has short blond hair and a ready smile. Whenever I see her, she seems to enjoy talking with me or whoever she is with. She laughs often, with a hearty full-bodied laughter that shows on her face even while she is wearing a COVID face mask. Barbara’s main concern at this time in her life is being physically able to continue the activities she loves, as she feels these help maintain her energy and youthfulness.

After I retired, I decided that my new job would be to start a senior network. Barbara formed the Senior Network when she learned that an older person who lived alone in our complex had died and wasn’t found for several days. She wanted people living in our housing complex to get to know each other, have a sense of community, and reach out to each other to respond to health or other personal needs. She believes she provided a service to people during her professional career, and that developing a senior network was a way to continue serving others. The network has several components, including a listserv for information-sharing, weekly meetings, and monthly trips to museums or other places of interest. There are about 80 people in the network, with about 12-15 core members, who often attend the meetings and trips.

          Barbara’s work in the network changed with the COVID pandemic, when many seniors became home-bound and trips or in-person indoor meetings were no longer possible.  She is a source for referrals and accessing services and other information about the community and helped establish the weekly Zoom call and weekly socially-distanced meetings in the complex’s outdoor plaza.  She is also the central station for sharing humorous jokes and stories she receives from others, many related to COVID. She forwards them to the listserv, often with comments to point out the parts she particularly enjoyed. Laughter is clearly an integral part of her daily life and is an important network service.

As a network member I have experienced Barbara as welcoming to everyone and making each of us feel important. She encourages members to share their views and calls on them for assistance in finding and sharing information. The network is especially important during this COVID time when some of us feel isolated. We know that we can call on each other for daily needs such as shopping or escort to a doctor’s appointment. I asked if she intentionally worked to create that welcoming feeling. She seemed surprised at the question, and I think she just felt it was a part of the “job” that came naturally to her and she was eager to do.

I never have problems being busy since I retired. In addition to the sports and network activities, Barbara provides consultation for the NYS Board of Dentistry, loves traveling (and plans to return to it post-COVID), does Qigong exercises, loves to shop,  and recently started taking a course to learn how to draw. She also loves to gamble on slot machines. Her last trip, pre-COVID, was a cruise to Alaska comped by the cruise line because of her gambling interest.  She laughed when she said that her gambling losses on the trip meant it wasn’t totally comped.

I can find happiness no matter where I am seems to sum up her outlook. I was amazed and a bit jealous, since my own happiness often depends on my specific circumstances. I wanted to know more about how she became this way.  I had a good mother and am a happy, optimistic person.  Barbara described her mother as kind, easy going, you knew what you were supposed to do; she had lots of friends, had parties every weekend, liked to entertain, had her own band…she was happy.  What a wonderful legacy she left her daughter, I thought. I started thinking about my own mother’s difficult life. She came from Poland as a teenager after her father’s death and worked as a sewing machine operator during the depression, proud that she was employed. After marriage she worked alongside my father in his businesses, first as a fruit peddler and then a dry goods store owner. My mother was a hard worker, but except for rare moments in family celebratory events like weddings, I never considered her life to be happy. My legacy was that I too came to see life as often difficult, requiring hard work with many challenges. For Barbara, perhaps knowing that her mother had a happy life served as a foundation that enabled Barbara to create her own sources of happiness, wherever she was. Perhaps that’s the key to happiness— we can’t “will it,” but it can come through finding activities enjoyable and meaningful to us throughout life. 

Barbara’s message for other seniors is: Find things that make you laugh and don’t take things too seriously. This advice sounds simplistic, and it is. But it is especially useful for those of us who don’t have Barbara’s underlying optimism. Although she expressed sadness about the COVID epidemic and its consequences, she finds happiness in life through engaging in activities she enjoys and creating a purpose, and it includes sharing humor about current difficult circumstances. The lessons for me: seek out activities I enjoy and find humor where possible. I have also started thinking about creating my own new “job.” Like Barbara, that job is likely to involve service for others’ needs. I have always enjoyed helping others, and lots of research has shown that altruistic activities result in improved mental and physical health. And I am hopeful that like Barbara, all this is likely to lead to happiness no matter where I am.  

Boxed In

My move from a suburban house back into a city apartment meant that I lost living space and many closets. It was also the end of an era, as my two children were grown and living in their own homes, and I was eager to get back to Manhattan. Not only would this eliminate my long commute for work, but I missed the city, having lived there before moving to suburbia when my children were young.

Most of the furniture in our four-bedroom house was given away, some was sold, and we moved into a much smaller, two-bedroom apartment in my old neighborhood, in Manhattan’s East Side. Many boxes were packed up for the move, and most came into the apartment to be unpacked and put to use. Others were put in a storage room in my new apartment building. They stayed there until now, thirteen years later.

My husband, Doug, had a long-term hobby of making and playing miniature war games. He recently decided to give up this hobby, and needed to vacate his studio, where he created scenarios for these games. He had rented this studio when we moved back to the city, as we no longer had the needed space, since the basement in our suburban house was the venue for his building materials for his wargaming. He sold much of the materials, but there were some things he wanted to keep, at least for a while. We don’t have extra space in our apartment, certainly not for troops and war game paraphernalia. I suggested we go through the boxes that were in the storage room so we could throw out what I expected to be mainly useless things collected over a lifetime, after all— we hadn’t missed them in the thirteen years they were in storage. We could then put my husband’s war game materials into this storage area until he chose to use these materials again, perhaps to run games in future miniature wargame conventions.

We did it. After realizing that neither my husband or I had the energy or stamina to shlep so many boxes, we enlisted the help of our son and his wife. One Sunday morning they came to move the boxes from the storage room into my apartment, and then brought the boxes from the studio to store in the storage room.  

A total of 18 boxes came from storage into my apartment foyer. There were three or four with tax materials from at least ten years ago. I threw out or shredded everything that was more than seven years old (based on a recommendation I had read for how long tax returns should be kept). From the more recent tax files I threw out things that would not be likely to be needed for an audit, like electric bills, receipts. and old car insurance policies (I’m a bit of a hoarder, so I keep all bills and receipts and store them with each year’s tax materials). Going through these materials brought back memories from all these years – of clothes I bought and the special events they represented, growing children’s needs, repairs for the house and medical visits. This took many more hours than I had planned, as I savored some memories and resurrected regrets associated with others.

After tossing and shredding tax-related materials, two boxes were gone- this was looking promising. 

Then the challenges emerged.

My husband Doug has three boxes of research articles written by him and his colleagues, all more than 20 years old, from his days as a criminologist/research scientist. He saw these as a treasure trove, with many articles published before the internet, and nowhere else to be found. I thought about getting them all scanned, but knew this would be a large undertaking. Determined to find a home for them, Doug called a criminal justice university library to see if they would be interested. They were. But in this COVID time they were not accepting any new materials. My husband said they should call him when they were ready to receive them and he would bring them over. Although this means these boxes will continue to reside in my foyer for a while, I am glad for my husband, for he is reassured that part of his legacy will be sustained. 

There were lots of family photos, including the baby books I created for my son and daughter, and thankfully they will take them. There are also lots of old photos, with my children-   school photos, holidays, summer camps- where were they all to go? I can’t throw them out. I will talk to my children about this. Meanwhile these boxes will remain. Looking through them reminds me of their youth, and mine. All fond memories. There are also photos of my parents, siblings, old friends, dogs I have cherished- some of whom have died … can’t throw them away.

Memorabilia from my children has a special place in my heart.  These include years of Mother’s Day cards and letters from sleep away camp. I even found an envelope with short curly dirty blond hair, from my son’s first haircut. He’s now 41. I showed him some of the letters and the beloved blond locks, but there was not much interest. I can’t throw that wonderful treasure box away either.

Sightseeing photos fill another box. For many years, pre- phone cameras, I took and developed many pictures when I went to interesting places for work or vacation, often in Europe. The photo development shops where I brought them provided two copies of each photo, and I kept them all, and the negatives. Many are of places I don’t remember, but they are lovely statues, churches, fields, bodies of water. I could throw out the duplicate copies, and the negatives… but that still leaves a boxful. It’s not going anywhere yet- memories of places I traveled, when travel was possible years before COVID, are important reminders of what life was once like.

And I don’t know what to do with the box full of VCR tapes – some are classic movies (like Star Wars), some are tapes of family parties, including Bar and Bat Mitzvah tapes mainly filled with scenes from the parties we had after the religious ceremonies.  All these will have to be turned into discs to be viewable. I will do that sometime. For now, they can stay in the same box with the photos.

Then there are the tchotchkes that decorated my environments- three boxes full. These are mainly travel memorabilia like little statues (I collected Mother and Child figures, Russian stacking dolls), and framed family pictures- I had many places to display such things in my house and in my office. My diplomas are in this box too.  I packed up my office things when I retired over a year ago and the books and papers I still use as a consultant are now in my apartment study, the tchotchkes went into the storage room. It’s hard to know what to do with them and other work life materials. They represent an important part of my life’s identity, and I’m not ready to part with that yet- neither the objects nor the professional identity they represent.

So of the 18 boxes, I am down to 15. Not much progress for two months. All are sitting in my foyer. Some are made of tan cardboard, about 1.5 feet square, some are white file boxes about the same size, and all are a little crushed. They sit piled two or three high, leaning against each other and the foyer wall for support. They are waiting for me to decide their fate.

Although the storage room is almost totally filled with what was in my husband’s studio, I think a few boxes can go there. But I don’t know what to save, nor what to do with the rest.

But I don’t need to decide right now, as I am not too concerned with the unsightly piles they create.  During COVID time we are not having guests at home, we only see family and friends in outside venues. Since no one is coming to our home I don’t care if it looks messy, so the boxes are safe for a while.

Also, I recently visited my daughter in her new home, a large house in Virginia. She has lots of storage space in her basement, and when I told her about the boxes she offered to store them there for me. Now there’s a thought.